Spring is Here, With All Good Cheer. Birds Chirp. Frogs Burp.

     Bargainhunters, Runts and Punters,

     If the title of this post sounds familiar to you, it is because it was lifted from a book by the late Bennett Cerf, called Write Me A Poem, Baby.  This was a favourite book from my youth, in which Cerf asked children to write poems and collected them into a book, maybe even a second volume.

     What does that have to do with ratty, old shoes?  What?  Do you think we start these blogs without a solid purpose in mind for each and every one? Of course we don’t!  We write these by the seat of our pants for a few lovely people who look forward to them.  The shoes, by the by, have seen more wildlife than many children who live in the city.  They have been thrown at rabbits, squirrels, dogs and a few other small mammals. 

     Purchased in December of 2002, while picking up a pair of black oxfords to wear to my dad’s funeral, these became my ‘going to the office shoes’ until we were downsized in 2004.  They had an easy life for a year after that, until they were no longer fit for casual wear in public.  At that point, a new pair of dock shoes were purchased and these became the ‘lawnmowing/snowshoveling’ shoes.  They have weathered feet of snow, countless walks through my lawn, which by any definition is not actually a lawn.  At this time, it is mostly pretty, blue violets, as you can see…

     This sort of thing drives my neighbors crazy, as they think lawns should be green and comprised of grass.  We do not have a lawn so much as some grass mixed with violets, strawberries, dandelions and whatever the birds drop there.  The birds come for the flowers, we think.  We also believe that the creator puts those blue flowers there to sooth us and get us through the days of Spring Fever.  We enjoy sitting on the porch and letting our eyes relax to a blur and letting the colours sink in while we listen to the laboured grunts of all the neighbors who are on hands and knees on their lawns, digging and poisoning these little gifts of the season.  These people wear big boots and use noisy equipment in the maintenance of their yards, protecting their tootsies from mower blades, slips from ladders, icy patches and all those thing we ignore while shovelling and mowing barefoot in worn-out dock shoes.  These people have a work costume for each season.  It is the only funny thing about living here.

     The birds do enjoy my yard, as the returning families of robins, bluejays, cardinals and doves attest.  Plants are put in for their benefit, so that they swoop in and expose themselves to my cats, who sit in the window and think about what they would do to them.  This year, we may build a small chicken-wire-and-wood house for the kitties, so they can be outside on nice days.  Up until now, they have had to settle for the fresh catnip which grows out back and is already about eight inches tall, as you can see…

      If you have cats and do not grow catnip for them, shame on you.  You need to be a better pet owner and that is the fact, jack.  It is pleasant to see the catnip up so early and our pals, Inkie and Budderz, are quite happy with the fact.  What does worry us a bit is the early bloom of the lilacs.  We love the smell.  Some are put in a bedroom vase to evoke dream images from Springs Gone By.  It seems that they usually do not bloom until late May or early June but it is time, as you can see…

     That smell sure brings back the memories.  It reminds me of Mother’s Day and the hope of Summer.  The lilacs are nice and we are proud of them, even though they were here when we bought the house.  Prouder still are we of the fern, which we planted along the whole North side of the house and the tendrils of which are just pushing through the soil and reaching to the sky, like so…

     If you were to see the neighborhood the house is situated in, a white trash hell where Nascar is King and the proof is in the trucks parked on the lawns, you might understand why plants and pollen are so important.  Most of these plants upset those boot-people near me, since they cannot cut them to a height of one inch nor be sure all the blades of grass point in the same direction.  Birds appreciate what humans do not.

     As we started this rambling tome with a poem, allow us to end it with a piece of primordial literature, mined from the files and spilled from the skull of a nine-year-old Michael Hendrick, who in the Fifth Grade showed great slyness in using words to waste space in order to avoid being ruler-whipped by a nun who was easily enraged by blank spots on sheets of paper.  This may be one of the earliest works of art by the young Poet, as he learned words were to become his salvation.  Please enjoy ‘Spring’s Charms’.

Let’s Just Slow The Whole Thing Down!

     Gentle Readers,

     The whole world is spinning on a wobble due to the concern over gas and oil prices.  Years ago, the USA put speed limits on highways and initiated the ‘Drive 55′ slogan to encourage people to slow down and save gas.

     Thinking back, this is an excellent idea.  We even feel that it should be taken further.  It is hard to gauge and we have been googling for the proper answer but if you save gas by slowing down to 55mph, how much slower can you go to save even more?  What we need to do is to determine the minimum speed which will save us the most fuel and go on that.  Leave the house at the same time, leave work and school at the same time, but drive at the slowest economical speed for your vehicle.

     If businesses slow down or schools start late, blame the fed. They raised the prices with their fakakta policies, let them deal with the slow down that results.  Do you really want to get to work on time?

     Another way to accomplish this comes to mind.  Driving home from Atlantic City yesterday, and cutting through the pine barrens, we saw what looked like an armadillo crossing the road ahead. Speeding up to catch a glance, we saw a rabid raccoon.  It’s tail was straight and pointy at the end, not like a raccoon, though it was still striped.  It was staggering down the double-yellow and it’s fur was matted.  It looked almost sweaty.

     There was no traffic at that instant but a large grid was approaching and, in the rearview mirror, we saw three lanes of traffic come to a complete halt due to one rabid mammal.  Perhaps we should collect all rabid animals and loose them on the highways, saving bullets and time.  It was a disturbing sight, as we have always liked raccoons since reading the great Sterling North books, like Rascal and Raccoons Are The Smartest People.  We do not advocate any action against raccoons, per se’.

     Even more disturbing is the thought of all those mosquitos in the pine barrens, which are famous for their ferocity in bloodsucking.  It makes us wonder if bugs can transmit rabies, if we should take the cats in for boosters even though they do not go outside (the chance of a rabid bat getting in the house are pretty low but bats DO get in, as we have seen in other houses).

     Maybe if we took a rabid badger and threw it on the floor of the Congress and bolted the doors with all our Gongressmen locked inside with a domestic oil policy to sign,  perhaps it would work in the opposite way and speed up the signing.  Rabid animals may come in handy, afterall.

     Until we can work out a logical way to achieve this end, let’s just all consider going slower.  Here are some recent tips on saving gas, thanks to the AAA:

Take a load off

Aerodynamics can become quite significant at highway speeds. Carrying luggage on the roof of your car or towing equipment can be costly.

“Any time you do something like that, your fuel economy is going to tank,” AAA’s Hyde said.

When ski season ends, take the rack off your car, said Mike Quincy, automotive specialist with Consumer Reports. “Racks produce a lot more aerodynamic drag, so your car has to work harder to slip through the air,” he explained.

He added that drivers should remove any unnecessary weight from their trunks. Weight is the biggest pitfall when it comes to maximizing a car’s fuel efficiency, Quincy said.

“The more weight the car has to move, the harder the engine has to work. If you are carrying around stacks of National Geographic magazines, take them to the recycling center,” he said. “All that extra weight is costing you miles per gallon. There’s stuff that you don’t need in your car; you keep meaning to drop it off.”

Avoid gimmicks

When gas prices spike, products claiming to boost fuel efficiency pop up. Avoid them, experts said.

“All of these shady entrepreneurs come out and try to sell you these gizmos to add to your car to add fuel economy,” Quincy said. “But if there was a magic bullet, then the car companies would use them. When gas prices go up, people prey on greed and fear. Don’t fall prey.”

Plan your trips

To save on gas, try to run all of your errands in one trip and avoid backtracking.

“If you take four trips with a cold engine, that takes more gas than when you try to do it all at once with a warm engine,” Hyde said.

Drivers can also plan to use gas stations with cheaper prices. AAA provides a free fuel-price finder.

Turn on the air conditioning

Drivers with modern cars that recirculate cooled air shouldn’t be afraid to run the air conditioning.

“When you roll down the windows, you start messing with the aerodynamics of the vehicle,” Hyde said. “When you open those windows, you are not going to get maximum fuel efficiency because it creates new drag.”

Further, Quincy said open windows can mean trouble for drivers.

“You are increasing the turbulence in the car. The whole cabin is very noisy, and that makes you more fatigued,” Quincy said. “Run the air conditioner because it will make the driver happier, more comfortable and more alert, and that will make for a safer driver.”

Popular advice

Popular gas-saving advice calls for drivers to mind the speed limit, use cruise control and avoid too much idling, according to Edmunds.com. Further, careful drivers should also make sure to get their engine tuned, check their air filters and use the right motor oil.

Properly inflated tires will somewhat improve fuel economy, and this maintenance is easily accomplished. Quincy recommended checking tires at least once a month.

“Underinflated tires compromise your car’s handling and braking, and they also wear faster,” Quincy said. “If your tires are underinflated, there’s a lot more rolling resistance, and the car will have to work harder to roll down the road.”

These Are NOT Pairs Of Fuzzy White Dicks…OK?

     Kindest Readers and Lowly Reptilians,

     It was recently brought to our attention that the wallpaper on this page is easily mistaken for two fuzzy, white, erect penises! Naturally, you can imagine how aghast we were to think that our Beloved Readers harboured such subliminally filthy thoughts.

     Upon pointing out to one reader that another reader thought the objects (which happen to be the two hind paws of my kool kat, Budderz, as are the tootsies featured above) the second reader blushed and said, “I thought they were penises, too!” Why do my readers look at kitties and see penises? Society, we guess, is the first to blame, with all its vaginas and penises and everything that goes with them.

     Perhaps it should be blamed on the growing mass of Plushophiles, those wacky people who like to dress in fuzzy animal costumes and have sex in public places. They even have their own language…”Yiff,” is how you connect and let a five and a half foot tall woman dressed like a bunny rabbit know that you want to have sex with her. I would imagine it to be a sound to make while having sex with another ‘furry’. We venture to guess that it is an acronym for “Yes I Fuck Furries.’ In the day of MILFs, YIFF gives cougars a whole new meaning. The vernacular of sex has changes so much since youth, when the same old terms had been in use for centuries and were only ‘new’ as we discovered them.

     If we hear the sound of ‘YIFF…YIFF…YIFF…YIFFYIFFYIFF…YIFF…O, YIFF!..yiffyiffyiff” coming from an open window or through the wall of a hotel room, we will understand now. Caution! Furries at play!

         This plushophilia has nothing to do with zoophilia, where a Gentle Reader enjoys having sexual relations with a mammal of a different breed than themself. This is two Gentle Readers dressed like plushy animals and having fun where the holes are cut out in the costumes…or not. Some plushophiles get off just on grooming each other.

     Public perception of this otherwise-normal activity has led to the general conclusion that all people who dress in furry animals suits are primarily motivated to do so as means to a sexual end. Personally, we at CFYSA would prefer a wetsuit, as many human juices do not remove easily from the fuzzy, pink shorthairs.   

    You have to give credit to mankind for coming up with new descriptive phrases and whole new angles on a practice which is anything but new. In some ways, this type of cross-pollination can be amusing…should it mutate too far, however, it could give rise to forms of conduct which we would not dare discuss on this page. When the fecalphiles start coming out of the closet, we hope to be on a cruise someplace far away.

     In the days ahead,we will find new wallpaper to enframe the words on this bit of drollery but until then, enjoy those dicks while you can! God knows there is enough of them out there!!!