Substance Abuse Sundae

    

     Gentle Readers, as tomorrow is the start of that horrible work week and we only have so many precious hours left, let us partake in a sundae, to slake our thirst and have a laugh.

     Sixteen ounces of Robitussin with two generous scoops of vanilla ice cream, topped with whipped cream and a cherry and served in a small vase is what we need today.

     Robo-tripping, as it is known, is more prevalent and hard to detect than you can imagine. Countless teenagers have committed horrific acts of violence against themselves and others. Statistically, robo is very high on the list of items which are shoplifted. The closest description to a ‘strong dose’ is the comparison with ketamine, a powerful animal tranquilizer which makes peace officers glad they have stun guns, even though they are often ineffective against such pesky restraints.

     Teenagers all over the country use the robo to concoct a true substance abuse ‘sundae,’ known as Agent Lemon. Agent lemon is a sweet little compound containing robo DMX (dextromethorphan – aww, a poor orphanned meth!) with alcohol, household bleach, lighter fluid and lemon juice or some other citric acid. Sounds yummy already, huh? The fun part is heating it on a stove or open flame to burn off ‘the solvent’ while you are trying to insert toothpicks in your eyelids to keep them open. The resulting house on fire or visit to the burn ward doesn’t seem to register and users just keep at it. Now this is not a good thing. I am glad there was plenty of LSD when I grew up!

     The resulting mixture is, as Krazy Kat once said, ‘a typhoon in a teapot.’

     Since this blog neither condones nor discourages behaviour of ANY type, much less self-abuse, allow me to say that this mixture is not for the weak at heart of the even-partially sane. The damage I have seen caused by this solution has caused decent, kind, fun, intelligent high school kids to become violent to the point of killing others and many other lesser social transgressions. Yet, marijuana and cannabis products remain the ‘assassin of youth’ and command the swirling void which is sucking up BILLIONS of dollars yearly in inept enforcement of unenforcable laws. Go Robo!!!!

     Television’s Craig Ferguson, a former substance abuser who documents his experiences in a recent biography cracks me up. Not just his jokes but the fact that he claims to have abused substances for ten whole years. That is a very short period of time and is used mostly for the material of jokes. What REALLY cracks me up is how he can go to a commercial from a sanctimonious discussion of how he has cleaned up his life and the commercial turns outs to be from his sponsor, Robitussin.

     The cheeky monkey man that is beloved by some for the homespun honesty with which he deals with his addiction is paid by Robitussin via CBS. His fault? Who is going to turn down a network talk slot over a moral issue? It could ruin a career! Sorry, Craigy, but remember that I am still a fan.

     Some people think substance abuse is not funny. Maybe they are hurting because they have a child with a problem. The underlying fact is that most substance abusers make the decisions they do thanks to the way they were raised. Inattentive parents who want to blame something besides themselves for what happened in Little Johnny’s formative years can look to the human genome and see that perhaps the trait of addiction is carried through families in a commonly-shared gene. If inattentive parents believe that evolution did not occur and that we are here as the Lord made us, they have only themselves to blame. It all happens in the brain. Most behaviour is learned. Guilt trips and fingerpointing are the coward’s way out. The coward is always unable to face the inevitable fact of their own involvement in bad habits picked up by children.

     Teach your children well. For all the time I have invested in substance abuse and all the downright, all-American fun I have with it, I would never even drink a beer in front of a child. A child should not see things like that. If they want to abuse substances, let them learn from mom and dad. I take no responsibility.

     So this did turn into a bit of a sundae. Sundaes often start out with a very distinct form and end up in a puddle of chocolate jimmies and goo (no sexual connotation intended) at the bottom of the dish.

     For those who look down on my Celebration of 50 Years of Substance Abuse, I enjoy hearing from you. Your sanctimonious doggerel is welcomed! You are kind, but nay, I am lost on an evil path to a downward spiral to a hell of my own making… At least I have been trying to since 1971 but I never seem to get there. I am too busy working or writing or doing volunteer work or helping others. I thought these drugs were supposed to make me unproductive and I really could use the rest, as I hate to be so busy! WTF?

     Hell is calling but I am late. It was so nice of God to create a Hell so that the beloved creatures he made in his own image could burn forever in tortuous pain! I sure the fuck would hate to miss that since he worked so hard at it. Maybe I am missing my chance because I am high….

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