Ferd E’s In Love…Alpha Feelings In A Zed Male, or “Ask Them!!!!”

Gentle Readers,

We appeal to you today, as the title of this blog vaguely infers. More truly, it is our darling, Ferd, who is appealing. He was asking us an incomprehensible question to which we had no ready answer. He was inquiring as to what makes a person’s eyes, dart back and forth in their skull, from side to side, at an estimated rate of 1000 times a minute.

Our first inclination was to see if a human can observe something 1000 times in a minutes without it being a blur, at all. He does not own a PC so we could not Google it. We certainly imagine that it must create a blur for the person in question, who’s eyes must keep them in a state of constant blur. We could not think of any facts to correlate with whether such a thing was even in the realm of being possible. It did strike us as rather funny, when he held up his two index fingers, parallel to each other and two inches apart as he moved them back and forth repeatedly and said, ‘They go just like this!’..and made a machanical noise, “ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch”. We did not ask if the eyeballs make the noise, too,  but it added to the amusement so we accepted it.

The eyes in question are attached to a young woman whom Ferd believes has an interested in him. She stares straight into his pupils when here eyes vibrate or bounce or whatever you call such ocular activity. For this reason, he really wants to know what is with the eyeballs. They smoke a lot of cigarettes together, romantically hanging around the dumpster in back of the supermarket where they both work. We told him that You, Our Dear Readers, may have an explanation for such a strange quirk of the body and if no answer was forthcoming that you would nonetheless find it of great amusement. Knowing his every odd habit is being reported on here anyway, he implored, “Ask them!!!!”, and so, Dear and Kind Readers, should you be familiar with this anomaly of optical physiognomy, kindly tell us why eyes, not just pupils, but the whole orbs of both eyes would look like they should register on the Richter Scale. If you know the cause of this, kindlt contact us here in the ‘Comments’ section.

Her eyes are hazel by colour, by the way, and she is also his supervisor, besides being a smoking buddy. The intensity with which she stares straight into his eyes while vibrating has led him to the conclusion that, since she is in management, she may be scanning him like a bar code. We would love to see the lines in that bar code. “I think she is scanning me!,” he uttered in paranoid frustration.

Ferd did show a little class, this time around, and as the trippiness wore off, he broke out a jar of cheap caviar and a box of Wellington Water Crackers, “the gold standard,” as it says on the box. Liking something salty to help develop a thrist for the Corona Lite, we were duly impressed, as was his black cat, Spooky, who smelled it right away and hopped onto a chair at the table, where we ladled out a spoonful of the black fish eggs for him to devour. As Ferd said his standard line about caviar, one we have heard no less than a dozen times since he bought the jar for our birthday, “Ma Kettle says they are like buckshot on toast!”, Wilhelmina, his other kittie, took a sniff of the caviar and left it for Spooky.

So as we talked about life and love and 1000-moves-a-minute-eyeballs, Ferd dumped out his feelings for the young woman, some twenty years his junior. The attraction is basically that she talks to him and stares in his eyes kinescopically. It could be love. This aspect scares him. See, he has a problem with relationships, as he brought up the subject.

“I wear my heart on my sleeve,” he said, looking around for the missing Bic lighter we always pocket while visiting, “Everytime I have sex with a woman, I end up falling in love with her!”

“Well, Ferd,” we replied, trying not to laugh too hard, “you are supposed to do it the other way around.”

Puzzled silence as he picked in his ear.

“I mean you are supposed to love somebody before you have the sex,” we explained.

“Really?” he sounded puzzled, “Maybe that’s my problem!”

“Perhaps it is, Ferd,” we offered while sniffling back another laugh, “perhaps it is…”


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Filed under essays, fiction, news, related subjects, Uncategorized

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