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These Are NOT Pairs Of Fuzzy White Dicks…OK?

     Kindest Readers and Lowly Reptilians,

     It was recently brought to our attention that the wallpaper on this page is easily mistaken for two fuzzy, white, erect penises! Naturally, you can imagine how aghast we were to think that our Beloved Readers harboured such subliminally filthy thoughts.

     Upon pointing out to one reader that another reader thought the objects (which happen to be the two hind paws of my kool kat, Budderz, as are the tootsies featured above) the second reader blushed and said, “I thought they were penises, too!” Why do my readers look at kitties and see penises? Society, we guess, is the first to blame, with all its vaginas and penises and everything that goes with them.

     Perhaps it should be blamed on the growing mass of Plushophiles, those wacky people who like to dress in fuzzy animal costumes and have sex in public places. They even have their own language…”Yiff,” is how you connect and let a five and a half foot tall woman dressed like a bunny rabbit know that you want to have sex with her. I would imagine it to be a sound to make while having sex with another ‘furry’. We venture to guess that it is an acronym for “Yes I Fuck Furries.’ In the day of MILFs, YIFF gives cougars a whole new meaning. The vernacular of sex has changes so much since youth, when the same old terms had been in use for centuries and were only ‘new’ as we discovered them.

     If we hear the sound of ‘YIFF…YIFF…YIFF…YIFFYIFFYIFF…YIFF…O, YIFF!..yiffyiffyiff” coming from an open window or through the wall of a hotel room, we will understand now. Caution! Furries at play!

         This plushophilia has nothing to do with zoophilia, where a Gentle Reader enjoys having sexual relations with a mammal of a different breed than themself. This is two Gentle Readers dressed like plushy animals and having fun where the holes are cut out in the costumes…or not. Some plushophiles get off just on grooming each other.

     Public perception of this otherwise-normal activity has led to the general conclusion that all people who dress in furry animals suits are primarily motivated to do so as means to a sexual end. Personally, we at CFYSA would prefer a wetsuit, as many human juices do not remove easily from the fuzzy, pink shorthairs.   

    You have to give credit to mankind for coming up with new descriptive phrases and whole new angles on a practice which is anything but new. In some ways, this type of cross-pollination can be amusing…should it mutate too far, however, it could give rise to forms of conduct which we would not dare discuss on this page. When the fecalphiles start coming out of the closet, we hope to be on a cruise someplace far away.

     In the days ahead,we will find new wallpaper to enframe the words on this bit of drollery but until then, enjoy those dicks while you can! God knows there is enough of them out there!!!

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Sunday Funny. A Bible Story For The Hip, Beat and Just Plain Cool

     Kind Readers,

     I keep promising Lord Buckley and have been caught up in writing other stuff for the new issue of Beatdom, that is number Eight, the SEX Issue. Since it is Sunday, a day of rest and a time for some to worship, let us take a look at the worshippers and the Worshipped, as seen by and told through the words of our hero, Lord Buckley!

This is about the Sermon on the Mount and is called, The Nazz (a word stolen by David Bowie in Ziggy Stardust) and an old rock group by that name…

 
Now look at all you cats and kitties out there whippin’ and wailin’ and jumpin’ up and down and suckin’ up all that juice and pattin’ each other on the back and hippin’ each other who the greatest cat in the world is: Mr. Malenkov, Mr. Talenkov, Mr. Eisenhower, Mr. Wozenweezer, Mr. Wisenwoser, Mr. Woodhill, Mr. Beachill an’ Mr. Churchill and all them hills gonna’ get you straight. If they can’t get you straight, they know a cat that knows a cat who’ll straighten you. But I’m gonna put a cat on you, was the coolest, grooviest, sweetest, wailinest, strongest, swinginest cat that ever stomped on this  jumpin’ green sphere and they called this here cat the Naz.

He was a carpenter kitty. Now the Nazz was the kind of a cat that come on so cool and so groovy and so with it that when he laid it down, whabam! It stayed there! Naturally all the rest of the cats said, “Man, look at that cat wail! He’s wailin’ up a storm up there. Hey, eh, ain’t it down right? Hey, get off my back Jack! What’s the matter with you? I’m tryin’ to dig what the cat’s puttin’ down!”  They’re pushin’ the Nazz to dig his miracle lick, and the Nazz say, “Cool, babies. Tell ya’ what I’m gonna do. I ain’t gonna take two, four six, eight of you cats, but I’m gonna take all twelve of you studs and straighten you all at the same time. Say, you cats look like you pretty hip.” He say, “You buddy with me.”

So The Nazz and his buddies was goofin’ off down the boulevard one day and they run into a little cat with the bent frame. So The Nazz look at this little cat with the bent frame and he say, “What’s a matter wit’ you, baby?”
Little cat with the bent frame he said, “My frame is bent Nazz, it’s been bent from in front.” 
So The Nazz look at the little cat with a bent frame and he put the golden eyes of love on this here little kitty and he look right down into the window of the little cat’s soul and he say to the little cat, he say, “Straighten!” Vrooom – Boom! Up went that cat like an arrow and everybody jumpin’ up and down say “Look what The Nazz put on that boy! Hah-hah. You dug him before,” said “re-dig him now!”

Everybody talkin’ about The Nazz, what a great cat he was, how he swung with the glory of love, how he straighten out all the squares, how he stomp into the money changin’ cart and kicked the short change all over the place and knockin’ the corners off the squares. How he put it down to the one cat, dug it, didn’t dig it. Put it down twice, dug it, didn’t dig it. Put it down the third time, dug it, boom, walked away with his eyes buggin’ out to here bumpin’ into everybody. And they’re pullin’ on The Nazz’s coat tail, they want him to sign the autograph. They want him to do a gig here, do a gig there, play the radio, play the video; He can’t make all that jazz! Like I ‘splained to you he’s a carpenter kitty, got his own lick. But when he know he should go and show and blow, and cannot go, cause he got too much strain on him, straightenin’ out the squares…he sends a coupla’ these cats that he’s hippin’. So came a little sixty-cent gig one day and the Nazz was in a bind, and he put it on a coupla’ boys. He said, “Boys, take care of that for me, would ya?”
“Take it off your wig Nazz, we’ll cool it.” And they started out to straightin’ it out for the Nazz. And they got about half way to where they were goin’ and they came to a little old twenty-cent pool of water and they got right in the pool of water with the boat and all of a sudden, BLAM, the lightnin’ flashin’ and the thunder roarin’ and the boat is goin’ up and down and these poor cats figurin’ every minute gonna’ be their last and one cat look up and…here come the Nazz…cool as anyone you see, right across the water STOMPIN’! And there was a little cat on board, I think his name was Jude.
He said, “Hey, Nazz, can I make it out there with’ya?”
And The Nazz say, “Make it, Jude!” 
Ol’ Jude went stompin’ off that boat took four steps, dropped his whole cart. Phhhhhiiiiittt, Nazz had to stash him back on board. 
So The Nazz say, “Say, what seems to be troublin’ you boys? Heh heh. Say, you hittin’ on that SOS’in’ bell pretty hard. You gonna’ bend that bell knockin’ on it like that.”
One of the cats say, “What’s eatin’ ya? Oh, can’t ya see the storm’s goin’ and the lightnin’ flashin’ and the thunder roarin’!”
And The Nazz say, “I told you stay cool didn’t I babies?”
To the people who don’t know, that means to believe, to stay cool is to be, to have the sweet fragrance of serenity rock your wig. See. So now everybody’s talkin’ about the Nazz. Ooh, this beautiful, swingin’ man. How he’s settin’ the country on fire with great sparks of great love like a swingin’ non-stop satellites goin’ through all the lanes and valleys and puttin’ down the scene with such beauty and such power and such charm that there are now sparks seventy-five feet long shootin’ out of the grapevine and they now got five thousand of these little cats and kitties in the Nazz’s home town where the cat live, lookin’ to get straight. Well he knows he can’t straighten’em there. It’s too small a place to want to hang everybody up. So the Nazz backed away a little bit and he look at these cats and these kitties and he say, “Come on, babies. Let’s cut on out down the pike.” And there went the Nazz, with these five thousand cats and kitties a stompin’ up a storm. Behind them there’s a great love river joy, it’s goin’ like a great chain through these gorgeous cats and kitties as they’re swingin’ along in the beat of the Nazz and the birds are flyin’ on one side and singin’ love songs to these cats and kitties and there’s a great jubilee of love. And the Nazz talkin’ about how pretty the hour, how pretty the flower, how pretty you, how pretty me, how pretty the tree. Nazz had them pretty eyes. He wanted everybody to see with his eyes and see how pretty it was. And they’re havin’ such a glorious swingin’ time that before you know it they were forty-two miles out of town and ain’t nobody got the first biscuit. 
So the Nazz look at them cats and kitties and he say “You hungry ain’t ya babies?” 
And the cat say, “Yea Nazz, say we’s diggin’ so hard what you puttin’ down, heh-heh, we didn’t prepare, say we goofed.”
So the Nazz say, “Well, we gotta take it easy here We wouldn’t want to go ahead and order up something you might not like, would we.”
And they said “Sweet double hipness, you put it down and we’ll pick it up.”
And the Nazz step away a little bit and he put a glorious sound of love on.
He said “Oh, sweet swingin’ flowers of the field.”
And they said “Oh, great non-stop singular sound of beauty.”
And he said “Stomp upon the terra.”
They did.
He said, “Lift your miracle of the body.”
The body went up.
He said “Lift your arms.”
The arms went up.
He said “Higher and higher.”
He said “Dig infinity!”
And they dug it!
And when they did that, there was a flash of thunder, and in one hand was a great big stuffed sweet, swingin’, smoked fish and in the other a long gone crazy loaf of that southern home-made, honey-tastin’, sweet bread. Why, these poor cats flipped!
Nazz never did nothin’ simple, when he laid it, he laid it.

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