Tag Archives: television

From the Poetry Corner ~ You Do Not Know Me

                                                                             Gentle Readers,

     Once again we ask you to forgive our absence, this time due to the death of my Verizon modem, which served me for a remarkable six and a half years.  Once the problem was established, a new modem was ordered and we found ourself lost offline.  It took a full week, then sputtered and we were off for another day.

     We got a lot of real world stuff done, instead of sitting on Facebook but we did feel strangely disconnected.  We did see the first episode of the new season of Law and Order: Criminal Intent and we are making the prediction that Bobby Goren will find happiness this season and then find death.  You heard it here first, folks!

     Anyway, the poem is self-explanatory, unlike three poems I will publish in Beatdom in a few weeks.  They are strange poems and part of a longer story, which you can read in Beatdom Issue 9, the Drugs Issue.  In it, I present an essay which is a third essay, a third poetry and the final third is a bite of real life humour, all rolled into one conveniently titled entry, “At The Holiday Inn”.

     In the meantime, while you wait, this is one from last week, called You Do Not Know Me.

I only exist

in the words on this page.

That is my act.

This is my stage.

Very few know me –

it’s a very rare sort

who have looked in my eyes

and heard my retort.

You may know my name

but not what is inside.

A handful have loved me

with arms opened wide.

To most I am Phantom,

locked in my screen,

I  keep writing for you

for all that it means.


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More Cute Than You Can Shake A Stick At

     Feline Fanatics,

     We remind you that no kitties were harmed in the making of this blog.  The kit on the left is just being adventurous.  The photo session started because he kept trying to nose his way into the frig everytime the door opened because he knew the milk was in there.  We scooped him up and got a few shots of him standing on the top shelf in the fridge, smaller than a pint of milk, sniffing the goods.

     The microwave was simply a photo opp which presented itself at the time.  We would never do, nor encourage, such a thing.  Cats have now outnumbered dogs in America by about a million.  More households have dogs but the data indicates that cat owners often own multiples, as we do with Inkie and Budderz, and that dog owners are also prone to have a kittie or kitty or two around, as well.  The cats usually dominate the dogs in any of these situations.  Many are horrified at the thought of introducing a cat into a house with dogs but the cats are crafty and take great advantage of canine idiocy, often doing bad things that get blamed on Fido.

     The folks at Animal Planet have siezed upon these facts and have, in the past few months, released a number of new cat-related shows which cater to pampering owners.  Last season, they produced Cats 101, which was an excellent rundown of breeds, studying the quirks, cuteness, foibles and follies each breed gets into most frequently.  It was a good show but, in our humble opinion, it does not hold a candle to the merriment involved in the new program Must Love Cats, which we wrote about in a previous blog and which you can search for and read on this very page. 

     One night last week, they introduced Too Cute, a documentary on three litters of kittens growing from birth to the tender age of eight weeks.  There are laughs, drama, bits of related information but it was mostly about kittens being cutesy…and it works.

     Tonight, they unleash MY CAT FROM HELL (sorry for the caps…that is how Animal Planet lists it).  Jackson Galaxy, the host, plays guitar – as does the host of Must Love Cats.  Why a human singing to cats about mice and birds and whatever else a cat thinks about is a standard for these type of shows, we will never know. Maybe it is the cute factor but it would be more cute to me if a woman sang.  You have to give Galaxy credit, though, for his creative use of barber tools, as he has no hair above the ears and is very creative with all the follicles which sprout from the temples down…we would post a pic but we expect if you read this far you will see for yourself.  We do not mention his tattoos, as they are pretty normal in that they seem to cover most of his body, the norm for the 21st century expression of individuality – cover yourself with tatoos like everybody else.  We do not know how that many tatts make you that individual since, viewed from a half a block away, they look the same as anybody else who is covered in ink. 

     Cats do not get tattoos but they appear in quite a few of them, most notably those cool ones that the punk/rockabilly band The Stray Cats had on their arms.  Those are the most notable ones we recall.  Some where out there is a woman with a tattoo of a cat on one asscheek.  It is in the hunting position and is reaching to catch the tail of the tattooed ‘half a mouse’ which is drawn so it looks like it is crawling into her butt to escape.  Trust us.  It is a big world.  This is out there somewhere and, if not, we suppose we are sick for thinking of such things.

     So do tune in at 9pm EST in the United States.  We are not sure how these things get broadcast worldwide.  One would imagine that tv programs would start to ‘synch up’ worldwide, rather than go from one country to another as they get older.  That should happen about the time some woman gets that tattoo. So watch! Enjoy! It is Kitties!!!

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Things I Do For Kitties

     Browsers and Meowsers,

     It may sound ridiculous but currently, we live in a house we bought for a cat.  Having bounced around, living in doorways, cars, sofas, spare rooms and all the other dubious choices of habitat…that was alright for me but it is not something a cat should be subjected to.  Cats need windows and birdies to look at through those windows.  They need a regular place to find their bowl.  Were it not for my first kittie, a beautiful Maine Coon named Copernicus (Purrnie),  Your Humble Narrator could still be dwelling who-knows-where.

     The responsibility of the cat settled me down, ending a wild streak of moving from place to place, city to city, over a number of years.  Purrnie outlasted my ex-wife, my parents, several jobs and half a dozen cars.  The only stable force in my life for quite sometime was the cat that met me at the door everytime I arrived home.  Cats can hear your car miles away.  An amazing fact, picked up from Animal Planet, is that your cats cannot only hear your car at least a mile away, it can tell the difference between your car and the exact same model that came off the assembly line immediately before or after your vehicle.  They can tell the difference.

     We fielded some questions from a fervent kittie fanatic recently.  This Beloved Reader reported that “I HAVE A CAT THAT IS NAMED SHADOW IT IS FAT AND LOVEY.”…Now, isn’t that a pleasant thought?  A nice fat kittie!  The reader was also interested in my status and asked these thought-provoking questions, as well, “DO YOU HAVE A CAT YAS OR NO” and “DO YOU LICK CATS YES OR NO”????

     While we do not feel the sense of urgency indicative of a phrase like “YAS OR NO”, we do find the quries to be valid and, in so doing, we address them directly.  Yas, is the first answer, there are two cats living in my house.  One of them, you may have seen part of, as his white, rear tootsies decorate the wallpaper behind this post. 

     Do I LICK MY CATS, yes or no?  While not directly licking them with my tongue,  sometimes I do wet my fingers and pet them in a way that affects them in the way of a washing.  The moisture leads the cat to think it was licked and they usually respond by licking my hand in return.

     Licking cats is one thing but I think more devotion is shown in the care and grooming of Inkie’s butthole.  This is Inkie.  In the seven years Inkie has been here, not once would she keep her eyes open when her picture is snapped.                                                                        

     She is a very pretty girlie-girl of a kittie and, from looking at a ‘breed chart’ at the vet, she has been determined to be mostly Angora.  She has the soft, silky Angora fluff that gets stuck in my eyelashes and the corners of my mouth when I sleep and Inkie gets in my face in her attempts to wake me.  This gorgeous, sleek fur, while making her a little diva, can also cause her a bit of annoyance at this time of year, just before the winter coat of fur gives way to the summer coat.  The winter coat gets so thick before the change that it actually forms a layer over her anus and the ‘poopie’ gets stuck halfway out, held into her by fur.
     To remedy this, Gentle Readers, we must take a small scissors and cut a little ‘tunnel’ through the fur so that Inkie may relieve herself.  One must be ever-so-careful when nearing a cat’s anus with a pointy pair of sharp scissors; one little slip could hurt the fuzzy girl.
     There were times in my life when, if you told me I would be cutting tunnels to cats bums,  it would seem like an absurd statement.  This is what cats have done to me.
     Along the more normal lines, providing food, water and toys are also daily duties but how many times have I gotten stuck in my seat because one of my cats got onto my lap and looks way too cute and comfortable to move.  Try typing with a laptop on your thighs and a curled up kittie on your belly.  It takes practice to not wake the sleepy little git and still hit all the right keys.
     Some people do much more for kitties, as evidenced on the Animal Planet Network’s Must Love Cats show.  The cat-owners on Must Love Cats are much more fanatical than myself.  It is amazing what lengths people go to to keep the little ones happy.  Saturday past, Animal Planet ran a marathon of the show again and, in watching and dozing off and watching and dozing off,  the day turned into a surreal dream, punctuated every couple hours by the yodeling kitties.
     So, the purpose for this blog?  Aside from taking the time to reply to a Most Esteemed Reader,  it was just an excuse to ramble on a favorite subject…felines!

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Sunday Funnies. Best New TV Show ~ “Must Love Cats” on Animal Planet

     Kind Souls Everywhere, who doesn’t like to watch the antics of kitties at play? Who can resist the fuzzywuzzy rascal wrapped around your ankle, purring while you open the can of tuna (which is bad for them so don’t do it too often)? Who has not admired the sleek grace and comic play of our feline friends?

     Well, if you cannot get enough of it, there is the new show Must Love Cats, which premiered on the AnimalPlanet station on February 18.  Considering the state of commercial broadcasting, this has to be the absolute best show on the tube these days. 

     (from the website)Must Love Cats is a celebration of fascinating felines and the fascinating people who love them.

     From cats that saved their owners’ lives to swanky cat-only hotels, the series spans the realm of all things “cat.” It offers a potpourri of amazing feline stories, jam-packed with interesting factoids and trivia bits.

     The show is hosted by musician John Fulton, who combines his love for ditties with kitties. He is on a mission to prove to himself and the world that America is filled — north to south, east to west — with cat lovers, and is in fact a Cat-nation.

     Where else can you see ‘Klepto Kittie,’ the adorable furball who goes out in the night when humans are sleeping and steals items from all over the neighborhood, bringing them home as gifts.  We are not talking a mousey here or a squeeze toy there, we are looking at a thief that has taken over 600 items so far.

     “He’s not choosy,” said owner Jean Chu. “Stolen goods include towels, stuffed animals, gloves, socks, shoes, spongy footballs. He stole a Converse sneaker and returned later for the other one,” reports SeattlePi. ” He even swiped a neighbor’s bikini bottom that was drying outside, and came back minutes later for the top. He has also pilfered someone’s underwear.”

     That is Dusty stealing a glove, in the photo above.  The numbers are amazing…something like 208 towels, 69 gloves, 68 sponges, 30-odd shoes…you have to see it to believe it!!!
     Aside from deviant criminal behavior, cats can also be seen vacationing in the Rockies, being trained to use a flush toilet, there are dozens of performing cats, including ‘Rock Cats’.  Rock Cats are an actual group of kitties that play instruments…drums, bass, lead guitar, in time with each other but not necessarily the rest of the music-loving world.  The ‘Acro-cats’ are a group which is trained to perform tricks to defy gravity and lift the soul of the watcher.
     This is only one episode!  They had a whole marathon of these shows and they were all great!
How about this 34-pound kit, who has the same body mass idex as a 500-pound man? It sort of looks like a cat belonging to a friend of mine, who also tends to the fatso realm (the cat not the friend).  Readers of Beatdom may think this cat looks a little familiar but, no, this is not the publisher’s cat…which reminds us that William S. Burroughs had six cats that he loved and doted on.
     So if you want to find out about cat poo coffee, the yodeling cats or even the first same-sex, cat-couple to be ‘married’  in a the New York City shelter.  In this age of internet-dating, the show’s homepage even features a link to a site called cuteboyswithcats.com, where those who like to ogle male flesh along with their pussy can find a cat-loving man.  It is not a dating site, per se, but one can see the potential.  More cats reside in this country than dogs.  More houses have dogs but, per capita, the kitties have them outnumbered.  Speaking of men and cats, odd factoids aplenty pop up throughout the shows, such as the fact that the majority of abused cats are afraid of men but not women….a damning fact.  Why does anybody have to abuse any animal?  It is sick.
     So, we do not know when this show is slotted for regular rotation or what channel number the AnimalPlanet is on your cable system but if you like cats and kittens, you have to watch this.  If you are a new cat owner, the website has plenty of information on raising and training them.  If you have loved cats for a long time, this is the best show you have seen yet. It even tops Cats 101, which also aired on AnimalPlanet.
     We leave you with Henry, who is an artist.  If you want to know what kind, tune in…
     Ciao, ciao, ciao.


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Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You!!! Shameless!!!

      Gentle Readers, we are all upset over what we saw yesterday but that is how it goes.
     I am not talking about the American’t elections…this is about the new version of Shameless, to be shown on Showtime, dammit!
     Americans are so culturally pathetic that even our best TV shows are usually stolen from the BBC. Note the success of shows like All in the Family, Sanford and Son, The Office and all of those reality shows that suck so much. To take a show and use the idea in another country is one thing but to steal it and carry a whole neighborhood across the Atlantic Ocean, instead of creating characters with aptly-used american names is just stupid. Not many normal US families have kids names Ian, Liam, Phillip, Orla, etc…it doesn’t fit. It is contrived.
     Shameless, my favorite show from England (and one of the few good things to come from that section of the island besides music) has been co-opted to the american market with William H, Macy in the role of patriarch, Frank. I respect the work that Macy has done from Fargo to The Cooler to Radio Days and his great body of work on television. 

   There is no replacing David Threlfall, who played Frank Gallagher for 82 priceless episodes. That is his picture at the top, by the way. He was perfect for the part and quickly became my latest role model…one that I will have to give up.
     Right now I feel lower than the mumbling spectre of Baccarat Obama, who i hear in the background as I type, making excuses and trying to save face. Had he listened to the people who elected him, he would be much happier today. So fuck him.
     In a way this is a good thing. I wanted to turn off the cable TV and Shameless was the only reason I didn’t. Comcast is the only cable company to have The Sundance Channel, which showed Shameless (the real version). All seven seasons are now on DVD so I can say fuck Comcast as well as the endless stream of political idiocy I have been readng online and seeing too much lately.
     Hearing Macy read through the opening credits, naming the kids and neighbors, standing there watching the car burn in the middle of the road with a pint can in his hand and the cops show up, and saying Frank’ intro-line “knows how to throw a party?’ was a surprising event. At first, I thought it was a dream. Often, I drift off in front of the telly and dream up my own shows. I lay there watching a show that I make up in my head until I drop the beer in my lap and it wakes me and I smile to myself, knowing it was a good show. That was not the case in this instance.
     Next, I thought it was a parody…a take off of Shameless on some comedy show. I was wrong. Showtime is wrong. Obama is wrong. The whole freaking world is wrong!!!!!
     If you have seen the adverts on Showtime in between peeking at Dexter, then go to Netflix or even Youtube and compare the opening credits. Dexter, by the way also comes in book form and is just as entertaining as the Showtime version. I have not seen it on Showtime since I fell behind in the series by Jeff Lindsay. The first book is called Darkly Dreaming Dexter. Try it. Reading. It can be good.

     At any rate, there is no replacing Frank Gallagher into an american setting. People may laugh but I won’t hear it. If they are going to use the same scripts and the same dialogue that I have been enjoying for the past seven seasons, what is the sense? It is like making a weekly show out of Sartre’s trilogy. It is ruining art. People do not act like Frank in this country. It is too uptight and square here.

     What was Mr. Macy thinking of? His taste and choice of roles has always been so good. How could he watch Shameless and think it could be obamacized to fit this cultureless cesspool they call the american media.

     All I can think about is: what would Frank say?

     Make Poverty History! Cheaper Drugs Now!!

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