Tag Archives: xmas

Tips On Stealing An Xmas Tree

treeIn today’s economy this topic generates a lot of interest, Gentle Readers, so – in this atheistic, agnostic. faithless world – let us look at how we can ‘spruce up’ (ahem) our lives by sticking shiny things on dead trees. As you see in the photo provided by ABC News, some people like to get trees for free!

About ‘the holidays’…here in the great North West, anybody driving in store parking lots over the past week can attest to how the holidays bring out the worst in people. As part of our calendar training this time of year represents our time…our chance to celebrate, our chance to consume, our chance to eat and drink too much, our time to satisfy as many cravings, gain as much weight, and kill as many brain cells as possible.
Banks used to have ‘Christmas Clubs,’ savings accounts where people squirreled away cash all year long to blow during the holidays. We wonder if the clubs still exist. Banks don’t stick around long anymore. A year is time enough to get scammed. Remember when we trusted banks? No, not when we trusted them before the Great Depression; we mean remember when we trusted banks up to a few years ago, after we forgot the depression.
The bottom line, as regards stealing a tree, here is: too many people are at the shopping areas. We act crazy enough, abusing our way through the tortuous weeks, but many must have their special holiday food and are in a hurry to get home and stuff themselves. Many can’t wait to see what they are going to pay for on credit for the next year and a half. Most want to park close to the door because they must carry the all of the precious bounty. Impatience reigns.
Cars get keyed. Frenzied parkers hit and run, scraping or denting anything parked on either side of their space.
Accomplish stealing your tree away from such behavior.

Several choices present themselves. Each person has their own way but since the holidays haunt us, we pose a few guilt-free solutions. First and most obvious, we present the old-fashioned way of driving to the woods, then parking along the road. Find whatever conifer grows in your path as you walk into the forest, you cut it down and bundle it on home.
The same method produces equal success when picking your prize from the lawn of a local mall or landscaped office park; your old high school principal’s house makes for a perfect spot to shop, maybe the school itself. Sticking with the guilt-free theme, bear in mind that nurseries have the nicest trees. These trees stand proud and straight in rows until sold….sold. It should be a crime to make money on holidays which celebrate spiritual beliefs. That is the same kind of shit Jesus threw the moneylenders out of the temple for. What harm can we do to an evil merchant?
When stealing from a business…make it a large business. Leave the Mom & Pop tree nurseries and find a chain store.
Most importantly, never ever steal anything from a friend!

Equipment is paramount to success. Chainsaws (we prefer Stihl) wake people so are best used only for deep woods scenarios, or very bold daylight ‘removals’ from front yards of vacationing enemies. Hand-saws present tricky problems, particularly if you use such tools infrequently. Green wood not only causes blisters, it shows the tenacity of a whole Druid nation if your blade is dull.
Those magic knives that cut through a can of beans, then cut down a pine tree and then cuts tomatoes into the thinnest wedges possible? Forget the part about the pine tree. Ha. We tried that years ago in a nursery one rainy night with a QVC gift knife which worked wonderfully on TV. With the rise of security cameras far off in the future, the new moon provided enough cover to allow us an hour to hack through the muddy trunk. Blisters formed in the first five minutes. Our legs froze from squatting down low enough to cut an even line across the sappy, cold wood.
Naturally, dragging the muddy tree into the house filled us with a sense of pride. Sopping wet, cold, blistered and bedraggled, we saved fifteen dollars to abuse ourselves with….enough for a case of beer at that time.

We presume that most Kind Readers are adults.
If you have children, then you probably need a tree. If not, think it over. For you parents in the house, we suggest the good old American Way – trickery! Tell your kids that Santa brings the tree when he drops down the chimney of the apartment you live in. Slip the kids a little eggnog (with a Mickey, natch) and take a midnight drive late on the 24th. Pack your pliers, a couple wire clothes hangers, and a machete or similar large knife. Avoid using QVC knives.
Drive toward your local shopping center (better yet, the best one in your town) and there you’ll find a beautiful assortment of misfit trees. Awww…just like on the Rudolph TV special, sorta.
Most trees have a good side – the one that is showing, or the side which is face up if it is on the ground. Turn them around and there’ll be branches barren and broken. Sad in a way, if you are an Arborist, however finding two half-trees to wire together with hangers solves so many problems. Besides providing for our families we utilize trees which would have otherwise died in vain. We see a certain urban heroism in this. Next, simply use the machete/knife to even out the bad sides of two tree of the same approximate height by chopping off the deformed branches on the ‘sick’ sides. Fit them together until they appear to be one tree. Children do not notice the double trunk if you steal enough presents to hide it behind. Bind top and bottom together with hangers, set it up in the living room and just watch those tender little eyes light up next morning! Be careful and try to find to trees of the same variety. A half-pine, half-spruce tree might cause a curious child to wonder; if this is your only option, concoct a good story and have it ready in the morning.
These few helpful hints carried us through many a holiday season.
We hope you find them to be useful, too! Just remember the security cameras!

Now, go get a tree – if you must.



Filed under fiction, news, related subjects, Uncategorized

Obama’s Xmas Gift To Us All. I’m Dreaming of a Blighted Xmas – K2

     Kind Readers, a thousand pardons for my disappearance over the past few days. Reports of my suicide are slightly exaggerated but if you peer to the left, you see the rocks of Doolin, where I would presumably wash ashore. It is a pleasant place, as I noted, but I plan to stick around. I was overcome by either food poisoning or a stomach flu, but in either case, the need for descriptive words at this time would do no more than unsettle your lunch, so I shall simply ask you to excuse my absence.

     Oddly, I started feeling ill while I was in the town of Jim Thorpe, PA, a place that throws a black shadow over Irish-American history – as I was reminded as I passed the ‘Molly McGuires’ Bar’ and the courthouse where the coal miners were prosecuted and sentenced to death. As I clutched my stomach while holding the steering wheel with the other hand, I passed the historic Packer Mansion.

     Some Packers had been along on the infamous Donner Party, which lost itself in the Rockies en route to the West Coast one 1880s winter and some members of the group stayed alive by cannabalism, consuming the flesh of their fellow travelers. I had not thought of these facts for some time and when I saw the Packer Mansion, I was reminded of the Donner Party and how I always give my name as ‘Donner’ when making dinner reservations, so that, at some point, my dinner companion and I will be sitting at the bar and hear the Donner Party being summoned. As I lay on the sofa, trying my best not to vomit or lose all control of my stomach, I flipped on the tv for amusement and, Voila!, Christian Slater starring in The Donner Party! What a coincidence!

     But that was the other day and this is now. My abdominals are sore from the constant wretching but I feel well enough to blog, so here goes:

The Week Before Xmas

‘Twas the week before Xmas and in the White House 

Obama and Gil K were torturing a mouse.

Their consciences hung near the mantel with care

in hopes the pharma-lobby soon would be there

to give them the cash that they love way too much

to spend on the drug war, since ‘enough is enough’.

While they concurred on many mean ways to humble ya’

They smoked phat joints (legal in District of Columbia)

‘We’ll fix those bastards who elected me now.

I am not some servant, not one to be cowed.

Those liberals stink ‘cuz they think they still own me.

I am way above all of that ‘honest’ baloney.

So, if my office has not found enough morons to screw,

we’ll add to the insult and take their K2.”

Gil liked this idea and smiled from within.

He had a game that would make sensible heads spin.

Wait until Xmas Eve and take the Spice from the shelf

and keep it for a year, ruining next Xmas, as well.

The drug war has already cost over a trillion

so who’s going to mind just another hundred million

dollars it takes to waste on a dream

that noone believed, anyway, it seemed.

There are kids without presents and kids without food,

kids with no warm clothes and sick little ones, too!

Why spend the money helping kids like we should?

A new prison in your neighborhood would look mighty good.

The people who smoke pot (known as drug abuse victims)

make us wonder why we take those with problems and kick them?

If these are the victims, then there must be a crime

since victims are prey of the criminal minds

who run this old country which once was a leader

of the whole darned free world but now has seceeded

from logic or forethought or the least care for others

and much prefers prisons where minds rot and thoughts smother.

So off in the sleigh go Ol’ Gil and Obammy

with not even so much as one Xmas salami

instead they took empty bags to be filled

with substances unknown, yet certain to kill.

They laughed at the people, all sleeping below –

– too bad they elected this pathetic freakshow - 

“On DEA! On FBI! On Homeland Security!

On ATF Agents,” Gil sneered and drooled luridly.

They flew through the night in taxpayer-owned sleigh,

“We must collect all of the K2 by day, yeah!

Take it from gas station, boutique and bodega.

Take from people who smoke for relief from the cancer

To steady their stomachs, one of life’s second chances.

Take it from kids ‘fore they find it themselves

Take all that we can because we need it ourselves.

It is nice to have medical marijuana in Washington

So we can smoke freely. The lower class – we caution them

About all the evils and deleterious effects

Which makes it legal for Senators but not for rednecks

Who have no address like us Pols in DC,

Which allows us to smoke all we want and stay free

And pass all the laws that take care of ourselves

While the commoners have nothing to smoke with the elves.”

Oh, this was a great plan, well thought out and selfish.

It came from our Gil, who has a brain like a shellfish.

He has admitted the war is a failure,

Yet still signs the papers so the feds can come nail you.

The whole world was watching as the sleigh rode the black,

Wishing it would crash, fingers crossed behind backs.

The president spotted a small store below,

Which gave off an aura, aromatic, that glowed.

“Here’s where we’ll start,” as he pulled on the reigns,

“At this little place,” said our Gil with no brains.

So slowly descending, they lit on the place

Where their heads were blown off – shotgun blasts to the face.

So, now it is snowing, the world looks so fresh.

A soft wind is blowing, two more morons dead.

Had they stayed at home and just minded their business

And let people live and quit making them victims

They would still be alive but the trouble, it seems,

Is that some people don’t view our Bill Of Rights as a dream. 

Article VI

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Leave a comment

Filed under essays, news, poetry, Uncategorized