Gentle Readers, a horrible misunderstanding in culinary circles has brought kimchi to our attention today. Many people wonder why anyone would ever eat it, when they can have good german sauerkraut, laced with brown sugar and apples and topped with a juicy pork chop. Two strips of cured canine on a plate with a heap of fowl-smelling kimchi can gag a maggot. Add some dried fish, found dead and floating on top of the Naktong River and it is twice as offensive. Why do people eat this stuff?
Of course, we all know that America is Number One in cabbage with its sexy cole slaw! It is so good that people pay a lot for it, yet it does not lead to the social problems that are associated with ‘devil’s leaf” from Daegu. There, it leads to violence and kimchi rage, accompanied by the usual kimchi crack smokers and kimchi whores, who sell their bodies for the cabbage they must have.
It is put in pots and buried deep in the ground so the devil can reach the pots more easily from his place in Hell! At night, the devil has big sex with the steamy pots, leaving them with the foul smell that predominates the Korean continent. There is nothing more scary than a crazed slut with kimchi breath propositioning you. They will offer ‘the tooth brush,’ an odd sex act performed with strings of shredded cabbage hanging from between rotted teeth. A visitor can only run to a safe place and wash off the smell…or try to.
The devil in the kimchi soon gets into the brain, like a venereal disease, many of which are a standard ingredient in this evil foodstuff.
I have a sauerkraut cask in my kitchen. It would hold 20 gallons but I do not invite the devil to my home. I will eat it in german homes and stay with the number one – american cole slaw! Yes, it is the best.
Here is my recipe: take half a cabbage (a real one, not one of them tiny kimchi cabbages that are no good for people) and two carrots and grate them coarsely. Add mayo, a pinch of sugar and a dash of celery salt. mix. chill. taste. add more celery salt or sugar to taste. Add more mayo if it seems too dry.
This is the way to eat cabbage. Do not eat cabbage from other countries if you fear the devil. Some places, like Korea, do not fear the devil and so they eat his spumy froth as it mixes into the precious kimchi. How wrong can they be? Are they devil people? I hope none of them read this. That could get scary!
If you do not believe this, you can yell Dokdo at the Sea of Japan!!!
Last Notes From a Tumbleweed Bastard 