Tag Archives: sex

Michael Hendrick Looks At Nipples

nipples

Curious Readers,

The title of this post may not come as a surprise to some, yet even Michael Hendrick admits that there are some nipples he does not want to see. Like Chris Christie’s…in the attached photo we see the big lug (Christie, not Hendrick) looking down to see if his nipples have stiffened from the touch of Mitt Romney. Christie will never be a US president unless an assassination occurs when he is a veep.

For many years, whoever was president on the twentieth year died in office. It started in 1820 when Henry Harrison stole more land from the native americans. He defeated Tecumseh at Tippecanoe and made a slogan of the event to run for president…and won. Tecumseh’s half-brother and medicine man, Tenskwatawa, threw a curse at all ‘great chiefs’ of the US, who were chosen every twenty years. Their deaths would be a reminder of what the US did to the Shawnee.

Christie is smart to (try and) run now. No prez had died since G.W. Bush’s buddy’s son screwed up his attempt on the life of Ronald Reagan. It goes largely unreported that John Hinckley Jr. had a scheduled lunch with Neil Bush, son of you know who, the day after the shooting. He did not make it.

It is well-known that the Hinckleys and Bushes have not only been in business together since the early 1960s but that the Bush family and the Hinckleys share a common ancestor – an oilman no less, Samuel Hinckley. Of course, after all that trouble Dubbya Bush, the last president before Obama, managed to kill any respect people had for him – but he lives.

But what about the nipples?

We promised you nipples, you are thinking…

It all started when Hendrick set to work merchandising the books he likes to sell. One of them is this one from 1974. comics

Just about to hang it on the wall of a local merchant who kindly gave him space to sell, he thought he should ask the owner if it was alright to post partial nudity. The store owner is a woman and when describing the cover, he got to the part about the cartoon images covering the nipples. He started to describe the cover but ended up pointing vaguely towards his own chest and saying ‘private parts’.

Damn it – he was embarrassed!

But why?

It does give us pause to ponder, however, why male nipples are legal to show anyplace in public but showing female nipples can result in a fine, sometimes even for breastfeeding in the wrong spot. It has happened.

Back in the 1970s at the start of the punk rock movement, singer-songwriter Shane MacGowan, seen below,  ran into problems with his first musical group…The Nipple Erectors. The record company would not accept his ‘male/female both have them’ logic and so he changed the name of his group to The Nips. Later he formed The Pogues, based on the term Pogue Mahone, which was a derivation of the gaelic phrase meaning ‘kiss my ass’. In this world kissing ass is preferred to mentioning nipples – for some people, anyway.1shane

Even male cats have eight nipples…or six…it is hard to hold the rascal steady enough to count them. Male cats allow tiny kittens to pretend they are nursing on them. They do this when the momma cat is out hunting and it keeps the little ones secure. We wonder if Chris Christie ever tried that but we do not want that image floating around our cerebral cortex…or yours! Sorry for that – blame it on Hendrick.

There are many types of nipples and even more ways to look at them. Instead of listing them all, we turn to Hendrick.

At fifty-seven years of age, he has seen more nipples than the average man (in person, that is). He chose to relate a bit about ‘funny nipples’. Some people, who have little sexual experience, find them funny just as diners who have never eaten a falafel think that sounds funny.

In his now-out-of-print novel (Portrait Of The Artist As A Little Bastard, TumbleWeedBastard Press, 2014) he tells of going to grade school in Upstate New York’s Mohawk Valley.

Sitting next to him, at the back of the classroom in the ‘tall’ section, RandyNiples always flinched at the muffled laugh which arose whenever a nun called his name. He could not do much about it in class but he frequently ran in circles on the recess yard shouting, “It’s Nip-PELS!!!…I tell ya!!!…Nip-PELS!!!”

Our Dear Michael occasionally wonders what happened to Randy. The way he ran in circles would have made him true presidential material!

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Who Sent the Private Investigator To Check Us Out??? Where Is Old Snarly?

Gentle Readers,

This message is not really for you.

We are dropping the editorial ‘us’ in parts to make it less confusing. We think Cynthia Oldsnarly may have sent them.

On Friday, a private investigator named Kellie showed up at our Motel. She checked in with no luggage or purse, wearing a short-ish white dress and stylish hair and nails.
She came out of the front desk office and wandered the parkinglot aimlessly for an hour and then went to her room, near mine, when I came out on the balcony to see which room the possible hooker was going to visit.
As it turns she kept obviously spying on me, looking through the open spaces of a luggage rack on a car parked between us.
So, I decided to STARE at her to let her know she was not un-noticed. This prompted her to come over and up the steps to the balcony, where we sat drinking and chatting…about me…all about me…she said she would be gone in the morning and i watched her leave on foot, no luggage or purse, just a copy of Beatdom we gave her to read…

She kept me up talking about myself until 3am. We did not talk adult topics or any such shit…so why do people spy? why do they lie? why do they not be real in 2014????

funny thing is…we hide nothing, as all you kind readers know…and any import given to us is undeserved, since we are morons.

best from the staff!

*tis is a free blog…if you see typos, live with it or contact us about our exclusive paid blog!!!!!

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One From The Poetry Corner

bullwinkleEsteemed Readers, Bottom Feeders and Counters of Meters, today we bring you an installment of the Poetry Corner. We promised to keep this blog going, so we are happy to be in your face.
The following poem is the first in what will be known as the ‘Yakima Cycle’ by Michael Hendrick, a drunken friend of ours who can’t be trusted with your daughter…a sad one, boys and girls, sniff, sniff. He redeems himself with his poems…maybe not this one but he seemed quite insistent that we publish it for him and it is a ‘limerick’ really. As per our buddies at the Encyclopedia Brittanica a limerick is a popular form of short, humorous verse that is often nonsensical and frequently ribald. It consists of five lines, rhyming aabba, and the dominant metre is anapestic, with two metrical feet in the third and fourth lines and three feet in the others.
These short rhymes often involve a city name. We chose Yakima as our city and Mr. Hendrick, in his infinite kindness, offered to share poems written just for this blog…a saint of a man, is he.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A certain young woman from Yakima
got randy but had quite a hacking cough.
Though she sounded a fright,
she loved a new man each night.
Her ten kids proved that she did not whack’em off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now, Kids…it is nothing against women, nothing against Yakima and most certainly not against masturbation…if anything, is insulted here, it is the Rhyme itself, but it endures, year after year.

Oddly, though…the most popular blogs here are the ones having to do with insults and words and we find that to be very interesting and think we will do our best to include more such material in days and weeks to come.

Welcome to the Working Week!

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Poetry Corner ~ Windup Toy

     Considerate Literates,

     It appears that you enjoy reading the bits of literature and poetry we have posted since changing the theme of our blog.  The numbers do not lie and we find it gratifying to post something besides the usual rant about subjects near and dear to us.

     We are not sure why the do not have poetry circles, as opposed to the poetry corner, but if it was good enough for Bullwinkle J. Moose, it ought to be good enough for us.  The avantage here is that we get to finish the poem, whereas Bullwinkle never had such luck.  We miss Bullwinkle on Saturday mornings.  We heard that Sarah Palin made an assassination attempt on him but he appears to have escaped unscathed so we wish him the best!

     Today’s offering is another older one, since we had the notebook open from the last blog and also since this week saw the celebration of International Womans Day.

Windup Toy

Here at the factory door she stands,

hair on her shoulders in greasy, limp strands.

The door slams behind her.  She doesn’t make plans.

“What’s the use in it all? What’s the use, then,” she screams?

Weekends collapse into cascades of dreams.

On Monday it’s back to the sound of machines.

Comforts she finds in the arms of her lover

quiet the restlessness yet never quite smother

dissatisfaction – it tugs at the covers.

Passions consumed with the closing of eyes,

cigarette lit, by the window she lies.

Eternities live while her destiny dies.

                     ~                                              ~                                                      ~

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New K2 News…Still Legal In Pennsylvania…

     Big, ugly Rep. Jennifer Mann today introduced legislation in Harrisburg, state capitol of Pennsylvania, to ban the use of K2, Spice and other synthetic cannabis products.  BTW, she is much older and heavier now than in the photo she uses on her website.  This photo is what she thinks she looks like and, even on a good day, she is still ugly on the inside.

     This action indicates that these things are still legal and there is no law against using them.  Look at the facts and do not let the press and media tell you what to do.  If they have to try to pass a law against it, like today, it shows that the action taken last year, HB176, was a failure.  Look at the facts.  There is no current law against JWH, K2 or any of the synthetic THC products in Pennsylvania, even though the news has been telling you different since November 23, 2010.  We repeat…LEGAL IN PENNSYLVANIA UNTIL BANNED.

     It is amazing how people believe anything they are told.  If you want the truth, you have to look for it, not wait for it to come conveniently packaged like Mr. Nice Guy Strawberry, whom I miss very much and may have to go look for again…

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From The Beat Cookie Jar – William S. Burroughs: A Man Within

     Gentle Readers, a new morsel of the good stuff showed up in the Beat cookie jar today, an advance copy of a PBS Independent Lens series episode, which will air across the USA starting February 22 – William S. Burroughs: A Man Within.

     Even before it arrived, we liked it for the title, which brings to mind one of our most favorite books by Burroughs, The Cat Inside.  It is a work of straight writing, like his novels Junky and Queer, and we prefer his traditional style moreso than his lunatic-fringed works, which are always the target of imitators and penny-ante enthusiasts, a fad which seem to recur every ten years or so since we first ‘discovered’ Beat writing in the 1970s.  We consider ourselves, here at CFYSA, lucky to have read most of the Beats at a tender age.  It allowed many details to be forgotten in the thirty years hence – which makes those same works a joy to rediscover and reread now, in what we assume to be adulthood.

     We have not viewed the new DVD yet, since it still has cookie crumbs clinging to the wrapper.  It will be reviewed in the next issue of Beatdom Issue 9 – The Drugs Issue.  It will appear on your own tv sets in about two or three weeks, however, so we thought it prudent to give you all a heads-up on this marvelous bit of programming.

     With a soundtrack by our hero and Burroughs compatriot, Patti Smith (along with Sonic Youth) and narrated by Naked Lunch star Peter Weller, the film shows previously unreleased footage of The Man, as well as unseen interviews with many others, including Iggy Pop, Gus Van Sant, Anne Waldman, John Waters, Laurie Anderson, Patti Smith and Jello Biafra as part of the diverse array.  This is a goldmine for Burroughs fans everywhere!

     PBS has also launched a companion website to promote the film at www.pbs.org/independentlens/burroughs where fans can get more detailed information, watch preview clips, read an interview with the filmmaker and explore the links and resources.  Viewers of the site can even share their ideas and opinions on the Talkback section of the site.

     This is a rather short blog but it is only here to point you to the film, which was made by a 25-year-old high school dropout – our favorite type of scholar – Yony Leyser.  Actually, some websites say he dropped out of college, some say film school and others say high school…we just admire him as an Outsider who dropped out to follow his vision.  Shouldn’t everybody?

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Final Installment of K2 Khronickles

     Fearless Readers, we have come to the end of an era of sorts, a very short era – the era of legal THC.  We missed our chance to get in on the legal LSD up until 1967 and this gave us a chance to try new drugs and see what we could see with the aid of them.  Now, the shelves are empty and we still have seen no legal notice of a final rule in the Federal Register.  The media won, again.

     There will be more fake marijuana products coming down the line.  They are already available in some places.  It is sort of like when the US made amphetamine use illegal and spawned the multi-million-untaxed-dollars-a-year ‘meth’ market.  Smith Kline and French could have made a mint with their Dexedrine Spansules or the good old Bi-Phetamine 20s (the original ‘black beauties’) and taxes would have been paid on every purchase, at one level or other, and they could even have been regulated.  Now, every bucktoothed hillbilly from here to Sheboygan and beyond is making ‘fake’ speed in bathtubs, sinks and even in moving vehicles.  No taxes get paid on this stuff and it is a thousand times more dangerous than the real thing, which is given to students in grade school for treatment of ADHD.

     Recently, we took some Roxanol brand morphine and noticed that the pills are banana flavored.  This makes them a nice match for the grape flavored dexedrine tablets, called Adderall, which is what the kids in school get.  What a lovely, fruity combination!  What spells ‘gateway’ better than candy-covered, mind-altering drugs? 

     Not anybody can sell these confectionary compounds.  It costs a lot of money to make grape flavored speed; only big corporations who can pay off the officials we elect are allowed to sell stuff like that.  Imagine the fuss if a parent were to suggest the inherent danger in coating powerful chemicals with Pandora’s powder of sweet, sweet, sugary goodness.  Imagine the outrage over all those young lives lost to swallowing sweets.  It would be even worse than our upcoming diabetes epidemic, scheduled tentatively for 2020…but this ain’t pot so that will never happen.  Just one of life’s little ironies.

     Gentle Readers, you may have any opinion you wish as regards these substances. If you are for them or against them, you can find plenty of support online in chatrooms full of people who share your views.  One funny thing about the chatrooms, websites, organizations and other entities that concern themselves with such subjects – there really is no correct answer or proper view.  There is always a question-mark hanging over all participants and nobody logs off with a real, concrete answer…more often, a feeling of anxiety lingers.

     Many find this lack of answers to be quite frustrating.  Most frustrated are the majority of us, who are lied to, manipulated, bought, sold and shoveled shit to, by the media.  Less frustrated are the so-called power brokers who create and develope the standards by which we are ruled. Ruled.  That is the status of the K2 law…pre-rule.  The rule never made it to print in the Federal Register so it is technically still legal, if you do your own homework and use documents provided by the government.  Ask anybody and they will tell you it is illegal, however, because they saw it on the news or on the web.  If it is on one of those places, it has to be true…no?

     You can’t fool all of the people all of the time…how many times have we heard that?  It doesn’t matter, just so long as you fool most of them.  As long as the majority is confused, people foolish enough to waste time spewing the honest truth can say all they want; they have been diffused.  They can tell the truth all they want and the bad guys will still fuck us all over.  People do have memories, though.  Honesty always prevails, eventually, but much suffering has occurred throughout history while waiting for honesty to prevail.  It takes time.

     We have reached a tipping point, in many ways.  The world’s foremost scientists say we have passed the tipping point, in terms of saving the planet from we humans.  Whales are getting sunburns because the ozone is so thin, which is documented fact, while our leaders tell us they still have no concrete evidence that global warming exists.  This is why we should not follow leaders.

     We feel bad for those Dear Readers who have children that will have to face the rapidly deteriorating quality of life in the Western World.  The Eastern World will probably just be getting the final touches of their infrastructures in place when the big shoe finally falls.  You can develop India and Bangla Desh all you want but they will still be underwater, with most of Florida,  if ocean levels rise two more inches.  It is just a matter of so much more melted snow and the polar bears are running out of room already.

     Then there will be mass migrations to the USA and there will be even less to go around.  American Dream – yes, that is what it is.  There is no future here unless things take a drastic and dramatic turn.  As complacent as society has become, all the drama has moved to Congress, a place where level heads lose to cheap dramatics.

     So, with so many things sucking so badly, we close the folder on the K2 Khronikles in order to focus on other, more pertinent issues.  We will report any new laws or findings or anecdotal information we come across, as regards K2, Spice, Mr. NiceGuy, Black Mambo and the others, of course.  The subject has not fallen completely off our radar.

     We shall return and we shall still be Celebrating 50 Years of Substance Abuse but we will take the forum in a slightly different direction, as you, Gentle Friends and Fiendish Foes, will see.

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Ouchhy…I Need A Morphine

     Gentle Readers, many people make disparaging comments about the opiates. They are the drug that pot is the gateway to – even though there are 100 times as many pot users as there are heroin addicts. The point is, there IS NO gateway drug.

     After the accident on Wednesday, in the freezing rain, the usual paperwork and insurance covering ensued. Part of the process was loading the car onto a tow truck, since it could not be driven with the driver’s side window blacked out.

     In process of preparing the car for the tow, Your Humble Narrator backed out the passenger side door of his trusty automobile and, forgetting he was four feet off the ground on the bed of a tow truck, tripped over a six-inch lip that borders the truck bed and took a tumble four feet to the asphalt and ice below. Ever spry at 53 years, I popped right back up before a single, mean neighbor had a chance to laugh at my mishap.

     I must have landed like Spiderman, judging from the bruises on my fingertips and the small amounts of blood coming from beneath my freshly-trimmed fingernails. Obviously, the fall was broken by my quick thinking and my right side took the brunt of my weight crashing to Earth.

     While we enjoy abusing the substances as much as possible, we are using some precious Roxanol brand morphine to help the battered body deal with the pain. It is rather hard to type too much and so this is one of the shortest blogs you may see from CFYSA. We had it stored for mellow evenings, lackadaisically dropping the blue pills and washing them down with the thick, black Guinness. Today, the use is forced-therapeutic, and a waste of a good morphine sleep.

     Thank goodness the blog goes on, but there will be changes in days to come. We will still be CFYSA but we will no longer be writing The K2 Khronickles, as that drug is no longer available and we will explain in full once healing has proceeded a bit further.

     We have an ouchhy and we need our morphine and valium and…well, you know!

                                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     By the by…the newest issue of Beatdom is about to hit the stands! The artwork is brilliant!  The writing is top-notch, as to be expected. The subject of the issue is SEX.

     Watch for more Beatdom news soon!

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Another Janu-scary Smashup!!!

     Frozen Followers, last evening we on the East Coast of the US were treated with yet another storm.  This is not so unusual in and of itself, aside from the fact that our car lost control on the ice and while making a right turn, slid sideways to the left, introducing itself to the sign at the entrance of the shopping center where an emergency supply of Temptations brand cat treats were waiting.

     Luckily, the car has a good insurance policy, since the sign not only showed us where the market was, but also busted my windshield and sent a glorious shower of broken glass spraying from the hole where the drivers’ side window used to be. Nobody was injured and the car was able to be driven home, at which time we passed a few other vehicles resting inappropriately (creative way to say ‘smashed into’) lamposts and gaurdrails.

     This is our third Saturn, a deep sea blue, L300 Sedan. It is a nice car and got us back home. It is seven years old, almost to the day, from date of purchase and has only about 65,000 miles on it. In 2004, on Janu-scary (a bizarro word, lifted from Superman comics) the 24th, our second Saturn got, in the venacular, totalled. That was a smaller, red, sporty model with a cool decal of the planet Saturn on each side. We had traded in the previous model, which was exactly the same, minus the decal, just to get the planet on the side.

     Calculating in Leap Years, it would seem that this collision happened exactly seven years after the last one. This time the car survived, instead of ending up in a twisted mess of broken plastic connected to an engine. This time we did not break the windshield with forehead, like last time.

     Seven years ago, the accident occurred after nine hours of drinking Irish cidre at a traditional celtic bar, where the music started at 11am on Saturdays. Seven years ago, freezing rain was also the culprit since it was not discernable when walking across the graveled parkinglot. The streets were not slippery but the on-ramp to the highway was frozen and a car with four youths (yutes) lost control about ten yards ahead.

     We hit the brakes (the editorial we, as noted in The Big Lebowski) and watched as the shiny, red Saturn slowly and deliberately plowed into the haplessly spinning, white Toyota. The police came and were quite nice to us, giving us a ride to the police station to call a cab. The car had minimal insurance, even though it was only a year old, so your Humble Narrator had to make car payments on two vehicles for four years, a situation which sucked, to put it bluntly. This time we were armed with the ‘full tort’ premium insurance and everything is covered.

     Much medication was used in the process of calming down after the show last night but after awhile, everything melted together like morphine in a glass of Guinness.

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State of the Nation…Will His Nibs Continue to Screw American Oil Companies?

     Gentle Readers,

     Last night, we watched the Asian news, which is really today’s news, broadcast twelve hours ahead of time. This type of news from Asia is of the financial nature and deals with what is happening with the world markets at that hour, like CNBC and Bloomberg Business news do during the day in America.

     We could not help but notice how so many foreign nations are having record-breaking outputs of crude oil in recent months. The statistics are staggering. We all should be staggered, since the Gladhander-In-Chief will not allow America to make any money on oil. This in the middle of a so called, media-driven economic crisis.

     Why does America buy oil from other countries when we have oil companies right here that are all bollocksed up in the barbedwire of the Obama Doctrine. We have oil. We could make money and charge taxes and put people to work and help the economy, sort of like we could with marijuana. In fact, it is ironic that the pot advocates often note how oil can be made from the marijuana plant, which is why the big oil companies pay your elected officials to vote against legalizing it.

     Doesn’t anybody in government want their own country to start making profits on something?

      Your Humble Narrator does not have much more to say on the subject now but it is something we hope to comment on tomorrow. In the meantime, we are wondering if he is going to use his patented ‘black preacher’s voice’ tonight, as he often does in emotional situations. I think that voice is very manipulative and am amazed he does not have comedians doing stand-up about it…but that would sound racist.

     Let’s see how bad we get screwed again tonight. The show never ends!

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