The Ellensburg Other ~ The Air Is Killing Us!

Dateline Ellensburg, WA…

The local newspaper, The Daily Record, reported Thursday that Kittitas County is ‘working to address air quality’ in the area. The headline may as well have read that ‘the county is reckoning on commencing to beginning to start cleaning up the air here’. A smaller caption read ‘State, Local Officials trying to avoid federal involvement.’ At the bottom of the page, it is noted that Ellensburg has been ranked as one of the most polluted areas in the state since 2012.
Holly Myers, spokeswoman for the County Health Department, noted that if the federales send in the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) they will measure pollutants properly, “If it (the EPA) measured for the lower health sensitive level, that would mean industrial permits would go down and it would be costly to business in the area.

A spokesperson for the Washington Department of Ecology, Sue Billings, says that if the EPA came in to fix the air quality ‘it would give Kittitas County a negative image…This kind of thing gets into the AARP and tourist magazines and the community gets a stigma…’

Let us condense the above information into a consumable ‘byte’…Kittitas County and Washington State health officials are ignoring a dangerous health issue for years because they value business over people’s lives.
Considering that all businesses run off the backs of people, taking the side of business on this issue is more than a little irresponsible.

When this writer moved to the county, we first consulted websites which give information to people who are moving or planning vacations, etc. Sperling’s Best Places said (and probably still does) that Ellensburg has air quality that is 98.5% pure!!! The officials are more concerned with glossing over the issue than the risk to community health…

VOTERS, remember names and be sure to vote against those who poison you.

So, what happens next?.…well, this blog gets sent to the AAA, the AARP, Bestplaces.com and all those other sites which trick people into coming here to be poisoned. Then we contact them to see where they got their information (call it lies) as regards the air purity here. We will report our findings.

Up until January 29, 2015, the County did not find it necessary to provide information concerning poor air quality. A particularly nasty day made local headlines on November 20, two days after the center city crematorium filled the two blocks surrounding the public library with noxious fumes. The thermal waves carrying the putrid smell could be seem emanating from the chimney of the funeral parlor – which is located in the center of the most populated area (duh) and in breathing distance of Central Washington University. How many parents are paying to have children come here to absorb carcinogens which may not form cancer cells until years after they graduate?

This kind of hiding from the government is unhealthy. It is as unhealthy as Vantage Highway, where reports of people incapacitated by breathing problems are reported weekly, if not every other day, in the Record. When the writer moved to the Burg, he developed a breathing problem after a month or so. Every morning, he woke feeling fine and, as soon as he opened his windows or stepped outside(into the air), developed a hacking cough that took hours to clear each morning. He stupidly attributed it to ‘hay fever’ and pollen from the world famous Timothy Hay grown here.

Speaking of the hay…it is shipped around the world because it is reckoned to be the best. Do the buyers know that it is steeped in fine particle pollution throughout the entire growing cycle? What does the fine particulate pollution do to the livestock it is fed to, way down the line?

So here in Kittitas, business is more important than people…and they admit it in the newspaper. You have to credit them for that much…but the tourist magazines need to hear about it for any action to occur, it would seem – talk about the Power of the Press!

Who Sent the Private Investigator To Check Us Out??? Where Is Old Snarly?

Gentle Readers,

This message is not really for you.

We are dropping the editorial ‘us’ in parts to make it less confusing. We think Cynthia Oldsnarly may have sent them.

On Friday, a private investigator named Kellie showed up at our Motel. She checked in with no luggage or purse, wearing a short-ish white dress and stylish hair and nails.
She came out of the front desk office and wandered the parkinglot aimlessly for an hour and then went to her room, near mine, when I came out on the balcony to see which room the possible hooker was going to visit.
As it turns she kept obviously spying on me, looking through the open spaces of a luggage rack on a car parked between us.
So, I decided to STARE at her to let her know she was not un-noticed. This prompted her to come over and up the steps to the balcony, where we sat drinking and chatting…about me…all about me…she said she would be gone in the morning and i watched her leave on foot, no luggage or purse, just a copy of Beatdom we gave her to read…

She kept me up talking about myself until 3am. We did not talk adult topics or any such shit…so why do people spy? why do they lie? why do they not be real in 2014????

funny thing is…we hide nothing, as all you kind readers know…and any import given to us is undeserved, since we are morons.

best from the staff!

*tis is a free blog…if you see typos, live with it or contact us about our exclusive paid blog!!!!!

On Language and Slang: Banging A Bitch and Some Mandarin Profanities

Enlightened Readers,
We have used this photo before. It is our hero, W.C.Fields from his movie, ‘It’s A Gift,’ where he goes west and wins the good fight against roadhogs. Roadhog…there is one you do not hear often anymore but there are plenty of them out there. However this is not about roadhogs. This is about differences in language and slang from east to west in the US of A.
Now then, since we arrived in the west we made numerous friends. For some reason, we fit in better with people in the thirty to forty year old range out here, and so our friends tend to be ten or twenty years younger. This being the case, we are privy to new language – sort of.
On a recent drive, a forty year old woman in the passenger seat pointed out the windshield, instructing us to “Go to that street and bang a bitch.”
Hhmmm. “What did you just say,” we inquired. “Bang a bitch?”
“Yes,” she replied.
“What does that mean, anyway?” we continued on the interrogatory.
“I don’t know,” she replied.
“Then why did you say it?” we relentlessly perstered.
“I don’t know. I just said it. I meant for you to turn.”
“The thing is,” we explained, “is that Chris used the same expression!”
“Huh,” she offered.
Indeed, Chris, who is in his early thirties, had used the exact same expression when we dropped him off at home one day. Not knowing the neighborhood, we asked him for directions. We did not wish to appear old and out of the loop so we left Chris behind and went to bang a bitch and got lost for almost an hour since we despise GPS.
Reckoning we were onto something, upon arriving home we phoned Chris.
“Hey, man,” we started off, “Remember that time I dropped you off and you told me to go to the end of your street and bang a bitch?”
“Yeah?” he wondered where I was going with this. I could tell by his voice.
“Well, what does that mean? Bang a bitch?”
“Hhmm,” he thought aloud, “I’m not really sure. I just said it.”
“So it doesn’t mean ‘right’ or ‘left’ or anything specific?”
“Not that I know of,” he affirmed. We exchanged some pleasantries and hung up.
We reckoned wrong. Not only did we not know how to bang a bitch, we might bang one without even knowing it. Even metaphorically, it is nice to know when you are banging a bitch or not.
So, as most reasonable people do these days, we went to Google, What did we find? It’s always educational fun – looking up slang words. We found nothing. Nada. Zilch…as far as banging bitches.
The funny thing is the recurrent phrase, “I just said it,” used by both when asked. It almost smacks of brainwashing but how?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
However, in the course of our studies we happened upon this list of Mandarin Chinese profanities. Since they are on wiki, we stole, err, borrowed them to share with you here. It is actually easier to go over there and look at them.
This is great! Who would have known that they were so creative? Our hats off to the person who put it together. It allows you to insult everybody from a close family member to a mexican. We never even considered a chinese-mexican insult!
Maybe you heard some of these shouted through the door of a restaurant kitchen near you!
Let’s Look!

As in English, many Mandarin Chinese slang terms involve the genitalia or other sexual terms. Slang words for the penis refer to it literally, and are not necessarily negative words:
Penis
jībā (simplified Chinese: 鸡巴; traditional Chinese: 雞巴/鷄巴, IM abbreviation: J8/G8) = cock (used as early as the Yuan Dynasty)
jījī (simplified Chinese: 鸡鸡; traditional Chinese: 雞雞/鷄鷄, IM: JJ/GG) = roughly equivalent of “thingy” as it is the childish version of the above.
jūju (具具), baby talk, “tool”.
xiǎo dìdì (小弟弟) = roughly equivalent of “wee-wee” (lit. “little younger brother”) IM: DD
kuàxià wù (胯下物) = roughly equivalent of “the package” (lit. “thing under crotch”)
yīnjīng (simplified Chinese: 阴茎; traditional Chinese: 陰莖)= penis (scientific)
diǎo (屌 or substituted by 吊) = dick (the same character also means to have sexual intercourse in Cantonese)
luǎn (卵) same as “屌”, used in some southern areas.
lǎo èr (老二) = penis (lit. “second in the family”, “little brother”)
nà huà er (simplified Chinese: 那话儿; traditional Chinese: 那話兒) = penis, usually seen in novels/fictions. (lit. “That thing”, “that matter”)
xiǎo niǎo (小鳥) = used by children in Taiwan to mean penis (lit. “little bird”)
guītóu (simplified Chinese: 龟头; traditional Chinese: 龜頭) = turtle’s head (glans/penis)
Note: One should note that in Middle Chinese the words for “dick” (屌 diǎo) and “bird” (鳥 niǎo) were homophones if not the same word and both began with a voiceless unaspirated alveolar stop (d in pinyin). Based on regular sound change rules, we would expect the word for bird in Mandarin to be pronounced diǎo, but Mandarin dialects’ pronunciation of the word for bird evolved to an alveolar nasal initial, likely as a means of taboo avoidance, giving contemporary niǎo while most dialects in the south retain the Middle Chinese alveolar stop initial and the homophony or near homophony of these words.

Vagina[edit]There appear to be more words for vagina than for penis. The former are more commonly used as insults and are also more aggressive and have negative connotations:

bī (屄, 逼, 比, IM: B) = cunt
jībái (simplified Chinese: 鸡白; traditional Chinese: 雞白) = pussy (lit. “pure chicken”; not generally used as an insult)
xiǎomèimei (Chinese: 小妹妹; ) = pussy (lit. “little younger sister”, see. xiaodidi above)
èrbī (二屄, IM: 2B) = fucking idiot (lit. “double vagina”; general insult)
shǎbī (傻屄) = stupid person (lit. “stupid cunt”) IM: SB
sāobī (simplified Chinese: 骚屄; traditional Chinese: 騷屄) = bitch (lit. “lewd cunt”)
chòubī (臭屄) = stinking cunt
lànbī (simplified Chinese: 烂屄; traditional Chinese: 爛屄) = rotten cunt
yīndào (simplified Chinese: 阴道; traditional Chinese: 陰道) = vagina (scientific)
yīnhù (simplified Chinese: 阴户; traditional Chinese: 陰戶) = vulva (scientific)
táohuāyuán (桃花園) = vagina (lit. “garden of peach blossoms”)
zhuāngbī (simplified Chinese: 装屄; traditional Chinese: 裝) = poser (lit. “pretending to be the cunt”)
dà yí mā (大姨妈) = Literally “The Eldest Aunt”, a popular mainland contemporary term which refers to menstruation. Comparable to ‘A visit from Aunt Flo'[1][2]
Brothel frequenter[edit]yín chóng (Chinese: 淫蟲) literally, lewd worms. Men who frequently enjoy having sex with women.
lǎo piáo (Chinese: 老嫖) literally, old frequenter of prostitutes. There is actually a verb for frequenting prostitutes in Chinese.[3]
Prostitution[edit]In addition to the above expressions used as insults directed against women, other insults involve insinuating that they are prostitutes:

jì nǚ (妓女) = (female) prostitute
chòu biǎozi (臭婊子) = stinking whore
mài dòufu (simplified Chinese: 卖豆腐; traditional Chinese: 賣豆腐; literally “selling tofu”) is a euphemism for prostitution.
xiǎojiě (小姐) = means “Miss” in most contexts but, now in Northern China, also connotes “prostitute” to many young women, as it suggests expressions like zuò xiǎojiě (做小姐) or sānpéi xiǎojiě (三陪小姐), which refers to bargirls who may also be prostitutes. This connotation does not apply outside of the People’s Republic of China.
Mistress[edit]xiǎo lǎopó (小老婆) = mistress (lit. “little wife” or “little old women”). Note: when combined with other words, the character 老 (lǎo, literally “old”) does not always refer to age; for example, it is used in the terms 老公 (husband), 老婆 (wife), 老鼠 (mouse); or other, more rare cases such as 老虎 (tiger), 老鹰 (eagle), 老外 (foreigner); or important persons such as 老板 (boss) or 老师 (master or teacher).
xiǎo tàitai (小太太), lit., “little wife” (but definitely not to be mistaken for “the little woman”, which can be a way of referring to a wife in English).
èr nǎi (二奶), lit., “the second mistress” (means a concubine, a kept woman).
xiǎo sān (小三), lit., “little three” (means a mistress, since she is supposed to be the third person).
Breasts[edit]mīmī (咪咪; literally cat’s purring “meow meow”) is a euphemism for breast.
da doufu (大豆腐; literally “big tofu”) slang for large breasts, more prevalent in Guangdong
mántóu (simplified Chinese: 馒头; traditional Chinese: 饅頭; literally “steamed bun”) also refers to a woman’s breasts; as mantou is typical of northern Chinese cuisine this term is used primarily in northern China.
bō (波, literally “wave” or “undulating”, but sometimes suggested to be derived from “ball” which has a similar pronunciation) = boobs.[4] The typical instance is bōbà (Chinese: 波霸), which refers to a woman with very large breasts.
fúshòu (福寿; literally “happy long life”)
nǎinǎi (奶奶) = boobies
zār (咋) (Beijing slang)
gege (Tianjin slang)
bàorǔ (Chinese: 爆乳; literally “busty breasts (literally “explosive breasts”)”) = big tits, likely reborrowing from Japanese.
fēijīchǎng (simplified Chinese: 飞机场; traditional Chinese: 飛機場; literally “airport”) = flat breasts
háng kōng mǔ jiàn (simplified Chinese: 航空母舰; traditional Chinese: 航空母艦) – literally “aircraft carrier”, referring to a flat chest. Compare with 战舰 (zhàn jiàn), meaning battleship, which refers to larger-sized “chimneys” of the chest.
tàipíng gōngzhǔ (太平公主) means Princess of Peace, this was the actual title of a real princess. However 太 means great or extreme and 平 means flat or level. Hence, this phrase contains double meaning i.e. “Extremely Flat Princess.”
júhuā (菊花; literally “chrysanthemums”) – anus. This term comes from the observation that the shape of an anal opening resembles a chrysanthemum flower, where the skin folds are comparable to the flower’s small, thin petals. Although nowadays usage is mostly common amongst Chinese netizens, the euphemism has existed in Chinese literature from much earlier.
pìyǎn 屁眼 – anal orifice, asshole
gāngmén 肛门 – anus (medical term), literally “door of anus”.
hòutíng后庭 – anus. literally “back yard
Masturbation[edit]Male masturbation, at least, has several vulgar expressions, in addition to two formal/scientific ones that refer to both male and female masturbation (shǒuyín 手淫 and zìwèi 自慰):

dă shǒuqiāng (simplified Chinese: 打手枪; traditional Chinese: 打手槍) = male masturbation (lit. “firing a handgun”)
dǎ fēijī (simplified Chinese: 打飞机; traditional Chinese: 打飛機) = male masturbation (lit. “hitting an airplane”). A term which originated from the Cantonese language.
lǚguǎn/lǚguǎnr (捋管/捋管儿) = male masturbation (lit. “stroke the pipe”)
lūgǔan (擼管) = male masturbation, also “stroking the pipe”
wán lǎo èr (玩老二) = male masturbation (lit., “play with little brother”)
wǔdǎyī (五打一) = male masturbation (lit. “five beating one”)
jiàn Wǔ gūniáng (simplified Chinese: 见五姑娘; traditional Chinese: 見伍姑娘) = male masturbation (lit. “to see [visit] Miss Five”, to see [use] five prostitutes [fingers])
zìkuài (自快) = masturbation (lit. private pleasure)
Foreplay[edit]kǒu jiāo (口交) = oral intercourse, blowjob
chuī gōng (吹功) = blowjob (lit. “blow service”)
chuī xiāo (吹箫) = blowjob (“play flute”)
Sexual intercourse[edit]
cào (肏/操) = to fuck (the first shown Chinese character is made up of components meaning “to enter” and “the flesh”; the second is a homophone, with the standard meaning being “to do exercise”)
gàn (幹/干) = to do = to fuck (alternatively 搞 gǎo, to do) or from Hokkien 姦, also means fuck.
rì (入) (lit. “to enter)” = to fuck. The meaning is obvious and in normal contexts 入 is pronounced rù. But when it is used as a coarse expression, the “u” is elided. See 國語辤典, vol. 3, p. 3257. It is also commonly seen on internet websites and forums as rì 日, due to similar pronunciation and ease of input.
chǎofàn (simplified Chinese: 炒饭; traditional Chinese: 炒飯) = to have sex (lit. “stir-fry rice”)
bàojúhuā (爆菊花) = anal sex. (lit. burst the chrysanthemum (anus)), i.e., insert the penis into the anus
dǎpào (打炮) = to ejaculate (lit. to let off fireworks)
gāocháo (高潮) = Sexual orgasm (lit. high tide, also used to described a climax point in other domains)
chā （插）= to have sex (lit. insert)
Insults[edit]As in English, a vulgar word for the sexual act is used in insults and expletives:

cào (肏/操) = fuck (the variant character 肏 was in use as early as the Ming dynasty in the novel Jin Ping Mei). 操 is often used as a substitute for 肏 in print or on the computer, because 肏 was until recently often not available for typesetting or input.
cào nǐ zǔzōng shíbā dài (肏你祖宗十八代) = fuck your ancestors to the eighteenth generation, the cào 肏(fuck) has been substituted for 抄, which meant “confiscate all the property of someone and of his entire extended family.” In China, ancestor worship is an important aspect of society, as a result of Confucianism, where filial piety and respect for one’s ancestors is considered crucial; insulting one’s ancestors is a sensitive issue and is generally confronting.
Insulting someone’s mother is also common:

tā māde (simplified Chinese: 他妈的; traditional Chinese: 他媽的, IM: TMD) = [fuck] his mother’s, or frequently used as “Shit!” (lit. “his mother’s”; in the 1920s the famous writer Lu Xun joked that this should be China’s national curse word)
tā mā bāzi (simplified Chinese: 他妈巴子; traditional Chinese: 他媽巴子 his mother’s clitoris. Lu Xun differentiates this expression from the previous one. This one can be said in admiration, whereas “tā māde” is just abusive. See his essay, “On ‘His mother’s'” (論他媽的).
tā māde niǎo (simplified Chinese: 他妈的鸟; traditional Chinese: 他媽的鳥) = goddamn it (lit. “his mother’s dick”; 鸟/鳥 literally is “bird”, but used here as a euphemism for diǎo; 屌; “penis”)
qù nǐ nǎinaide (Chinese: 去你奶奶的) = your mom (lit. “go to your grandma”)
qù nǐ māde (simplified Chinese: 去你妈的; traditional Chinese: 去你媽的) = your mom (lit. “go to your mom”)
qù nǐde (Chinese: 去你的) = fuck off/shut the fuck up (milder)
nǐ māde bī (simplified Chinese: 你妈的屄; traditional Chinese: 你媽的屄) = your mother’s cunt
cào nǐ mā (simplified Chinese: 肏你妈; traditional Chinese: 肏你媽) / cào nǐ niáng (肏你娘) = fuck your mom
cào nǐ māde bī (simplified Chinese: 肏你妈的屄; traditional Chinese: 肏你媽的屄) = fuck your mother’s cunt
gàn nǐ mā (simplified Chinese: 干你妈; traditional Chinese: 幹你媽) / gàn nǐ lǎo mǔ (simplified Chinese: 干你老母; traditional Chinese: 幹你老母) = fuck your mom (gàn is similar to the English euphemism do)
gàn nǐ niáng (simplified Chinese: 干你娘; traditional Chinese: 幹你娘) = fuck your mother (Taiwanese Mandarin influenced by the regional vernacular Taiwanese Minnan 姦汝娘 (kàn-lín-niâ); also “幹您娘”)
Other relatives[edit]nǐ èr dàyé de (Chinese: 你二大爷的) = damn on your second uncle. This is a part of local Beijing slang.
lǎolao (Chinese: 姥姥) = grandmother-from-mother-side. In Beijing dialect, this word is used for “Never!”.
ta nai nai de (Chinese: 他奶奶的) = His grandmother!
Turtles and eggs[edit]The 中文大辭典 Zhōng wén dà cí diǎn (Encyclopedic Dictionary of the Chinese Language)) (something a little like the OED), discusses 王八 (wáng bā) in vol. 6 p. 281. “Wáng bā” is the term that is usually written casually for the slur that means something like “son of a bitch.”

A “wángbādàn 忘/王八蛋” is the offspring of a woman lacking virtue. Another meaning of 王八 is 鼈 biē, fresh-water turtle.[5] Turtle heads reemerging from hiding in the turtle’s shell look like the glans emerging from the foreskin, and turtles lay eggs. So a “wang ba” is a woman who has lost her virtue, and a “wang ba dan” is the progeny of such a woman, a turtle product, but, figuratively, also a penis product. 龜頭 (guītóu, “turtle head”) can refer to the glans of the penis.

“Wáng bā 王八” originally got switched over from another “忘八 wàng bā” (one that referred to any very unvirtuous individual) because of a nasty piece of work with the family name Wáng 王 who picked up the nickname 賊王八 zéi Wáng bā (“the thieving Wang Eight”) but for being a dastard, not for being a bastard. The dictionary doesn’t say, but he may have been the eighth Wang among his siblings. Anyway, he became “crook Wang eight” and the term stuck and spread just as “Maverick” did in English. There is a pun here because of the earlier expression 忘八 wáng bā used to describe (1) any person who forgets/disregards the eight virtues, (2) an un-virtuous woman, i.e., one who sleeps around. The first meaning applied to the dastardly Wang, but the family name got “stuck” to the second, sexual, term.[citation needed]

Illegitimacy[edit]Many insults imply that the interlocutor’s mother or even grandmother was promiscuous. The turtle is emblematic of the penis and also of promiscuous intercourse, because turtles were once thought to conceive by thought alone, making paternity impossible to prove. Eggs are the progeny of turtles and other lower animals, so the word dàn (蛋) is a metonym for offspring.

wángbā (王八) / wàngbā (忘八) = cuckold; this was an insult as early as the Song Dynasty.
wángbādàn (王八蛋, informal simplified: 王八旦) / wàngbāgāozi (王八羔子) = bastard (lit. “turtle egg” and “turtle kid.”)
guī sūnzi (simplified Chinese: 龟孙子; traditional Chinese: 龜孫子) / guī érzi (simplified Chinese: 龟儿子; traditional Chinese: 龜兒子) = bastard (lit. “turtle grandson” and “turtle son”)
dài lǜmàozi (simplified Chinese: 戴绿帽子; traditional Chinese: 戴綠帽子) = to be a cuckold (lit. “wear a green hat,” supposedly because male brothel workers in the Tang Dynasty had to wear green hats)
zázhǒng (simplified Chinese: 杂种; traditional Chinese: 雜種) = mixed seed, half-caste, half breed, hybrid, illegitimate child. There are proper terms for children of mixed ethnicity, but this is not one of them.
hún dàn (混蛋) = individual who has at least two biological fathers and one biological mother, the idea being that the mother mated with two or more males in quick succession and a mosaic embryo was formed.
hún zhang wángbā dàn (simplified Chinese: 混账王八蛋; traditional Chinese: 混賬王八蛋) = similar to turtle egg, see above.
Stupid[edit]bái mù (Chinese: 白目) stupid. Literally, white-eyed, blind. Here it means not understanding the situation and reacting in a wrong way as a result.
bái chī (Chinese: 白痴) idiot. Someone with mental retardation.
nǎo cán (Chinese: 脑残) ‘Deficient Brain’ – Disabled brain, brain has a problem.
yíwàng de bā (Chinese: 遗忘的八) ‘Forgetter of the Eight’. lit. One who has forgotten Mencius’ Eight Rules of Civilization (slang)
dà nǎo jìn shuǐ (Chinese: 大脑进水) water leaked in the brain.
bèn dàn (Chinese: 笨蛋) stupid egg.
Suck up[edit]chong yang mei wai (Chinese: 崇洋媚外) Chinese who ass kiss foreigners.
fan jian (Chinese: 犯贱) asking to be disrespected.
zhao bian (Chinese: 招贬) asking to be kicked.
di san xia si (Chinese: 低三下四) low.
gou tui zi (Chinese: 狗腿子) someone’s dog.
pāi mǎ pì (Chinese: 拍马屁) to suck up, to be a toady.
Madness[edit]shén jīng bìng (simplified Chinese: 神经病; traditional Chinese: 神經病) Someone who is insane. Literally “disease of the nervous system”, or having problems with one’s nervous system. In China, imbalance of the nervous system is commonly associated with mental illness (for instance, 神经衰弱 Shenjing shuairuo, literally “weakness of the nervous system”, is a more socially accepted medical diagnosis for someone who, in the West, would have normally been diagnosed with schizophrenia, due to the social stigma against mental illness in China). Now the word is used quite generally when insulting someone whose actions seem odd, rude, offensive, or inappropriate.
fa biao (Chinese: 发飙) going crazy.
bian tai (Chinese: 变态) Perverted, deviant, abnormal.[6]
Buttocks[edit]While there are vulgar expressions in English referring to the buttocks or rectum, there are no real equivalents in Mandarin. Pìgu yǎn (屁股眼) or pìyǎnr (屁眼兒/屁眼儿), one expression for anus, is not vulgar, but it occurs in various curses involving an imperforate anus

sǐ pì yǎn (Chinese: 死屁眼) damned asshole.
jiào nǐ shēng háizi méi pìgu yǎn (simplified Chinese: 叫你生孩子没屁股眼; traditional Chinese: 叫你生孩子沒屁股眼) – literally, “May your child be born with an imperforate anus”; sometimes méi pìgu yǎn (simplified Chinese: 没屁股眼; traditional Chinese: 沒屁股眼) is used as an epithet similar to “damned”
jiào nǐ shēng háizi zhǎng zhì chuāng (叫你生孩子长痔疮) – “May your child be born with hemorrhoids”
wǒ kào (我靠 or 我尻) – “Well fuck me!”, “Fuck!”, “Fuckin’ awesome!” or “Holy shit!” (Originally from Taiwan, this expression has spread to the mainland, where it is generally not considered to be vulgar. 尻 originally meant “butt.”)
Age[edit]lǎo bù sǐde 老不死的—death grip on life—is used as an angry comment directed against old people who refuse to die and so clog up the ladder to promotion in some organization. The expression comes from the Analects of Confucius where the Master complains against those who engage in heterodox practices aimed at assuring them extreme longevity. In the original these individuals are described as “lǎo ér bù sǐ” (老而不死), i.e., it is said that they “are old and yet they (will not=) refuse to die.”
lǎo zéi 老賊= lǎo bù sǐde
lǎo tóuzi (simplified Chinese: 老头子; traditional Chinese: 老頭子),literally “old head,” it refers in a somewhat slighting way to old men. Its usage is rather like such expressions as “old gaffer,” “old geezer,” etc. in English.
xiǎo guǐ 小鬼,” little devils,” is used familiarly and (usually) affectionately.
rǔ xiù wèi gān (simplified Chinese: 乳臭未干; traditional Chinese: 乳臭未乾) Literally “(the) smell (of) milk is not dry (=gone) yet,” wet behind the ears.
lao wan gu 老顽固, an old arrogant man.
Promiscuity[edit]As in the West, highly sexual women have been stigmatized. Terms for males who sleep around are rare.

chāng fù (娼妇) = bitch/whore
húli jīng (狐狸精) = bitch (overly seductive woman or a golddigger; lit. “fox spirit”)
sānbā (三八) = airhead, braggart, slut (lit. “three eight”). Used to insult women. One derivation claims that at one point in the Qing Dynasty, foreigners were only permitted to circulate on the eighth, eighteenth, and twenty-eighth of each month, and the Chinese deprecated these aliens by calling them 三八, but others claim 三八 refers to March 8: International Women’s Day.
gōng gòng qì chē (simplified Chinese: 公共汽车; traditional Chinese: 公共汽車) = slut (lit. “public bus”) used for a woman who sleeps around, as in “everyone has had a ride”
biǎozi (婊子) = whore, slut
jiàn nǚ rén (贱女人) = bitch, cheap woman
huā huā gōngzi (花花公子) = playboy, notorious cheater (lit. “Flower-Flower Prince”)
Positive connotations[edit]Occasionally, slang words with a negative connotation are turned around and used positively:

wǒ cào (我肏) = holy fuck (lit. “I fuck”) Alternatively, “我靠” (wǒ kào, “I lean on”. IM:KAO) or “哇靠” (wa kào) is used when the subject intends on being less obscene, such as when speaking in public.
niúbī (牛屄/牛逼) = fucking awesome (literally “cow cunt”; possibly influenced by the expression chuī niú pí; 吹牛皮, which means “to brag”). This phrase also has many alternative forms, including NB, 牛B, 牛比, 牛鼻 (“cow’s nose”), as well as alternative pronunciations such as 牛叉/牛X niúchā. It can also just be shortened to 牛.
diǎo (屌) / niǎo (simplified Chinese: 鸟; traditional Chinese: 鳥) = cock; this was an insult as long ago as the Jin Dynasty. Now it sometimes also means “fucking cool” or “fucking outrageous”, thanks in large part to the pop star Jay Chou. Because of the substitution of “niǎo” which means bird, sometimes English-speaking Chinese in Malaysia sometimes use “birdie” as a euphemism for “penis” for small children. “鸟人” (bird man) sometimes has a derogative meaning as a “wretch”, but also often used between close friends as affectionate appellation like “fellow”.
Mixed-up[edit]Other insults include the word hùn (混), which means “mixed-up”, or hùn (simplified Chinese: 浑; traditional Chinese: 渾), which means “muddy”:

hùnzhàng (simplified Chinese: 混账; traditional Chinese: 混賬) = bullshit
hùndàn (混蛋 / simplified Chinese: 浑蛋; traditional Chinese: 渾蛋) = prick
hūndàn (昏蛋) = prick
hùnqiú (混球) = prick
Eggs[edit]Perhaps due to the influence of wángbādàn (王八蛋), dàn (蛋; “egg”) is used in a number of other insults in addition to hùndàn (混蛋):

bèndàn (笨蛋) = dummy, fool (lit. “dumb egg”)
chǔn dàn(蠢蛋)= dummy, fool
dǎodàn (倒蛋 / simplified Chinese: 捣蛋; traditional Chinese: 搗蛋) = “to cause trouble”
gǔndàn (simplified Chinese: 滚蛋; traditional Chinese: 滾蛋) = get out of sight!
huàidàn (simplified Chinese: 坏蛋; traditional Chinese: 壞蛋) = a wicked person. Literally a bad egg.
hútú dàn (糊涂蛋) = confused/clueless person (a sucker)
qíongguāng dàn (simplified Chinese: 穷光蛋; traditional Chinese: 窮光蛋) = a poor/penniless person
Melons[edit]The word guā (瓜; melon or gourd) is also used in insults:

shǎguā (傻瓜; also shǎzi, 傻子) = dummy, fool (in use as early as the Yuan Dynasty)
dāiguā (呆瓜; also dāizi, 呆子) = dummy, fool
In addition to the senses listed above, the “melon” is a metonym for the womb, and a “broken melon” refers to a female’s lost virginity.

Sticks[edit]The noun 棍 gùn, stick/staff is often used to refer to someone who is morally corrupted.

惡棍 / 恶棍 = bad guy, bully, villain (lit. “evil stick”)
神棍 = fake fortune teller (lit. “god stick”)
賭棍 / 赌棍 = rogue gambler (lit. “gamble stick”)
Ghosts and spirits[edit]The noun for “ghost” 鬼 is often used to mock someone with some bad habit. The mocking tone may not be very serious though.

酒鬼 = drinker
醉鬼 = drunker
小气鬼 = meanie
胆小鬼 = coward
精 “nonhuman spirit in a human’s form” is usually for insulting some cunning people.

狐狸精 “fox spirit” = overly seductive woman
马屁精 “horse-fart spirit” = flatterer
老妖婆 Evil old witch.
Useless[edit]Fèi (Chinese: 废, Chinese: 廢; “to discard as useless”) appears in a number of insults:
wōnang fèi (simplified Chinese: 窝囊废; traditional Chinese: 窩囊廢) = loser
fèi wù (simplified Chinese: 废物; traditional Chinese: 廢物)= good for nothing.
fèirén (simplified Chinese: 废人; traditional Chinese: 廢人) = useless person
fèihuà (simplified Chinese: 废话; traditional Chinese: 廢話) = nonsense
liúmáng (Chinese: 流氓) = scoundrel or pervert (the word originally meant vagrant); often used by women to insult men who make aggressive advances
nāozhǒng (simplified Chinese: 孬种; traditional Chinese: 孬種) = coward, useless, or weak person.
rén zhā (Chinese: 人渣) = Scum. Someone who is useless and unwanted as garbage.
wúyòng (simplified Chinese: 无用; traditional Chinese: 無用) = literarily useless
fàntǒng (simplified Chinese: 饭桶; traditional Chinese: 飯桶) = useless person, literally “rice bucket” as in only useful for storing food.
er bai wu (Chinese: 二百五; ) = haven’t got the full deck.
Boasting[edit]ban ping zi cu (Chinese: 半瓶子醋): literally, a half-empty bottle of vinegar, used to address a person with limited professional expertise.
chui niu bi (Chinese: 吹牛逼) = lit. inflating (blowing air into) a cow’s vagina. Used to address bragging activities.
chi bao le cheng de (Chinese: 吃饱了撑的): lit. eats too much. Used to refer weird, nonsense or illogical deeds.
Cruelty[edit]sha ren bu zha yan (Chinese: 杀人不眨眼) stone cold killer.
xiao ba wang zhou tong (Chinese: 小霸王周通) a wicked man.
huo yan xie shen (Chinese: 火眼邪神) evil spirit.
da mo tou (Chinese: 大魔头) a very wicked and powerful man.
Face[edit]Because shame or “face” is important in Chinese culture, insulting someone as “shameless” is much stronger than in English:

bú yàoliǎn (simplified Chinese: 不要脸; traditional Chinese: 不要臉) = shameless, lit. “doesn’t want face,” i.e., “discards his face, does not seek to maintain a good status in society”.
Girlish[edit]niángniangqiāng (Chinese: 娘娘腔) is a pejorative used to describe Chinese males who are extremely effeminate in their speaking style. It is related to the term sājiào (撒娇, to whine), but is predominantly said of males who exhibit a rather “girlish” air of indecisiveness and immaturity. Adherents of both tend to lengthen sentence-final particles while maintaining a higher-pitched intonation all throughout. The usage of the tilde as an Internet meme reflects the popularization of this style of speaking, which is often perceived by Westerners as being cute or seductive.
niángpào (娘炮) = same as 娘娘腔 (above)
tàijiàn (太监) or gōnggong (公公) – Eunuch. From the stereotypes of Imperial eunuchs seen in TV shows in China (with a high, feminine voice). Men with higher voices are called eunuchs.
nǚ qì (simplified Chinese: 女气; traditional Chinese: 女氣), female lifebreath. A man having the psychological attributes of a woman is said to exhibit “nǚ qì,” i.e., is said to be effeminate.
pì jīng (Chinese: 屁精) roughly meaning ass fairy
nǎi yóu (Chinese: 奶油) lit. meaning cream or butter
Boyish[edit]nán rén pó (Chinese: 男人婆) a female who behaves like a male. Tomboy
mu ye cha (Chinese: 母夜叉) a female toad, an ugly and rough female.
Inhuman[edit]Other insults accuse people of lacking qualities expected of a human being:

chùsheng (畜生) = animal (these characters are also used for Japanese “chikushō”, which may mean “beast,” but is also used as an expletive, like “damn!”)
nǐ bú shì rén (你不是人) = you’re not human (lit.: “you are not a person”)
nǐ shì shénme dōngxi (simplified Chinese: 你是什么东西; traditional Chinese: 你是什麽東西) = you’re less than human, literally: What kind of object are you? (compares the level of a person to that of an object)
nǐ búshì dōngxi (simplified Chinese: 你不是东西; traditional Chinese: 你不是東西) = you’re less than human (implies less worth than an object)
bùyàoliǎn de dōngxi (simplified Chinese: 不要脸的东西; traditional Chinese: 不要臉的東西) = you’re shameless and less than human (lit.: “you are a thing that has no shame”)
jiànhuò (simplified Chinese: 贱货; traditional Chinese: 賤貨) = lit. “cheap goods” (“[you] despicable creature!”)
sāohuò (simplified Chinese: 骚货; traditional Chinese: 騷貨) = lit. “lewd goods” (“[you] lewd creature!”)
Death[edit]Sǐ (死; “dead”, “cadaverous,” or, less precisely, “damn(ed)”) is used in a number of insults:

sǐ guǐ (死鬼) lit., “dead imp,” “dead demon,”
sǐ sān bā (死三八) / chòu sān bā (臭三八), lit., stinking (derogatory term for woman) bitch
sǐ bù yào liǎn (simplified Chinese: 死不要脸; traditional Chinese: 死不要臉) = shameless (lit.: “[you] shameless corpse”)
qù sǐ (去死) = “Go die!” or “Go to hell!”
sǐ yā tóu 死丫頭, lit., dead serving wench. — This term is no longer in common use. It appears in early novels as a deprecating term for young female bondservants. The “ya” element refers to a hair style appropriate to youths of this sort.
gāi sǐ (simplified Chinese: 该死; traditional Chinese: 該死) damned, damn it! (lit. should die)
zhǎo sǐ (Chinese: 找死): literally ‘looking for death’
qù xià dì yù (去下地狱) – descend into hell
Excrement[edit]The words “屎” (shǐ) (= turd, dung), “粪” (fèn) (= manure, excrement) and “大便 (= stool)” (dà biàn), all meaning feces but vary from blunt four letter to family normal, can all be used in compound words and sentences in a profane manner. Originally the various Mandarin Chinese words for “excrement” were less commonly used as expletives, but that is changing. Perhaps because farting results in something that is useless even for fertilizer: “fàng pì” (放屁; lit. “to fart”) is an expletive in Mandarin. The word “pì” (屁; lit. “fart”) is commonly used as an expletive in Mandarin.

qù chī dà biàn (去吃大便) [Go] Eat shit! (By itself, 大便 is neither an expletive nor does it have the same effect as ‘shit’ in English.)
chī shǐ (吃屎) = Eat shit!
shǐ dàn (屎蛋) Lit., shit egg, a turd.
fàng pì (放屁) = bullshit, nonsense, lie (literally “to fart”; used as an expletive as early as the Yuan dynasty. Taiwanese just simply say “pi” or “ge pi” when referring to “bullshit” (as in lies), as “fang pi” is taken literally “to fart”.)
pìhuà (simplified Chinese: 屁话; traditional Chinese: 屁話) = bullshit, nonsense
nǐ zài jiǎng shén me pì huà (simplified Chinese: 你在讲什么屁话; traditional Chinese: 你在講什麽屁話) = What shit/the fuck are you saying
pì shì (屁事) = a mere nothing; also guānwǒpìshì (关我屁事)=I don’t care a damn!
mǐ tián gòng (米田共) – A play on the writing of “糞” (the traditional form of “粪” (fen), also “kuso” in Japanese), referring to excrement.
qí yán fèn tǔ yě (simplified Chinese: 其言粪土也; traditional Chinese: 其言糞土也) – an expression in Classical Chinese that means, “His words are [nothing but] excrement.” (See Giles, A Chinese-English Dictionary.)
shǐ bǎ ba (屎 or 屎㞎㞎)[7] – Children’s slang term for faeces, similar to English “poo” or “brownie”. A variant of this term is 㞎㞎 (bǎ ba), while 便便 (biàn bian) is also used as a children’s term, albeit less frequently used.
Animals[edit]Dogs[edit]The fact that many insults are prefaced with the Mandarin Chinese word for dog attest to the animal’s low status:

gǒuzǎizi (狗崽子/狗仔子) = son of dog (English equivalent: “son of a bitch”)
gǒu pì (狗屁) = bullshit, nonsense (lit. “dog fart”); in use as early as 1750 in the Qing Dynasty novel Ru Lin Wai Shi (The Scholars)
nǐ ge gǒu pì (simplified Chinese: 你个狗屁; traditional Chinese: 你個狗屁) = what you said is bullshit. also “nǐ ge pì”(simplified Chinese: 你个屁; traditional Chinese: 你個屁)or simply “pì”(Chinese: 屁).
gǒu pì bù tōng (狗屁不通) dog fart + does not (come out at the end of the tube =) communicate= incoherent, nonsensical
fàng nǐ mā de gǒu pì (simplified Chinese: 放你妈的狗屁; traditional Chinese: 放你媽的狗屁) = what you said is fucking bullshit (lit. “release your mother’s dog fart”)
fàng nǐ mā de gǒu chòu pì (simplified Chinese: 放你妈的狗臭屁; traditional Chinese: 放你媽的狗臭屁) = what you said is fucking bullshit (lit. “release your mother’s dog stinky fart”)
gǒu niáng yǎng de (simplified Chinese: 狗娘养的; traditional Chinese: 狗娘養的) = son of a bitch (lit. “raised by a dog mother”)
gǒurìde (狗日的) = son of a bitch (from Liu Heng’s story “Dogshit Food”, lit. “dog fuck” 日 is here written for 入, which when pronounced rì means “fuck”.)
gǒushǐ duī (狗屎堆) = a person who behaves badly (lit. “a pile of dog shit”); gǒushǐ (狗屎), or “dog shit,” was used to describe people of low moral character as early as the Song dynasty. Due to Western influence, as well as the similar sound, this has become a synonym for bullshit in some circles.
gǒuzázhǒng (simplified Chinese: 狗杂种; traditional Chinese: 狗雜種) = literally “mongrel dog,” a variation on zázhǒng (simplified Chinese: 杂种; traditional Chinese: 雜種), above.
zǒugǒu (走狗) = lapdog, often translated into English as “running dog”, it means an unprincipled person who helps or flatters other, more powerful and often evil people; in use in this sense since the Qing Dynasty. Often used in the 20th century by communists to refer to client states of the United States and other capitalist powers.
gǒutuǐzi (狗腿子) / gǒutuǐ (狗腿) = variant of zǒugǒu (走狗)
Rabbits[edit]In at least one case, rabbit is part of an insult:

xiǎotùzǎizi (小兔崽子) = son of a rabbit (quite ironically, this insult is often used by parents to insult their children)
Horse[edit]mǎzi (simplified Chinese: 马子; traditional Chinese: 馬子; literally “horse”) = a derogatory word for girlfriend. (Possibly influenced by U.S. slang, “filly,” used for any girl.)
Bird[edit]The Chinese word for bird “niǎo”(鸟) was pronounced as “diǎo” in ancient times, which rhymes with (屌) meaning penis or sexual organ.[8] It also sounds the same as “penis” in several Chinese dialects. Thus, bird is often associated with ‘fuck’, ‘penis’ or ‘nonsense’：

wǒ niǎo nǐ (simplified Chinese: 我鸟你; traditional Chinese: 我鳥你) = I fuck you (Beijing dialect)
wǒ niǎo tā de (simplified Chinese: 我鸟他的; traditional Chinese: 我鳥他的) = damn fuck; fuck him
niǎo huà (simplified Chinese: 鸟话; traditional Chinese: 鳥話; literally “bird speech”) = bullshit, fucking words ; nǐ zài jiǎng shénme niǎo huà (simplified Chinese: 你在讲说什么鸟话; traditional Chinese: 你在講什麽鳥話) = What fucking words are you talking about?
niǎo rén (simplified Chinese: 鸟人; traditional Chinese: 鳥人; literally “bird person”) = bastard, asshole. This word commonly appears in Water Margin, a Ming dynasty Classical Chinese Novel.
niǎo shì (simplified Chinese: 鸟事; traditional Chinese: 鳥事; literally “bird matters”) = mere nothing; also guān wǒ niǎo shì (simplified Chinese: 关我鸟事; traditional Chinese: 關我鳥事) = I don’t care a damn
Tigress[edit]A tigress or 母老虎 (Mǔ lǎohǔ) refers to a fierce woman, usually someone’s strict wife.

Dinosaur[edit]A dinosaur or 恐龙 (Kǒnglóng) has been used as Internet slang to describe an ugly girl.

Contempt[edit]Certain words are used for expressing contempt or strong disapproval:

wǒpēi (我呸) = I boo in disapproval. Pēi 呸 is a spoken onomatopoeia that represents the action of spitting.
Divinity[edit]One of the few insults connected to the supernatural is not used to damn but to compare the insulted person to a disliked god:

wēnshén (瘟神) = troublemaker (literally “plague god”)
Miscellaneous[edit]Some expressions are harder to explain:

èrbǎiwǔ (二百五) = stupid person/idiot (see 250)
shūdāizi, (simplified Chinese: 书呆子; traditional Chinese: 書呆子) roughly equivalent to “bookworm” or, possibly, “nerd”. It is used to portray a studious person as lacking hands-on experience or social skills. Unlike “nerd”, shūdāizi is rarely used in the context of hobbies.
bì zuǐ, (闭嘴) = Shut up! [9]
Action Specific[edit]Some expressions represent offensive insults involving some kind of actions:

gǔnkāi (simplified Chinese: 滚开; traditional Chinese: 滾開) = go to hell! (lit. roll or roll over)
nǐgěiwǒgǔn (simplified Chinese: 你给我滚; traditional Chinese: 你給我滾) = get out of my sight!
gǔndàn (滚蛋) = scram, get out!
Region specific[edit]Many locations within China have their own local slang, which is scarcely used elsewhere.

gàn nǐ xiǎo BK de (干你小BK的) – Local slang from Tianjin, meaning “go fuck your ‘thing'”, where “BK” refers to male genitalia. However, when insulting females, “马B” is used instead.
xiǎo yàng le ba (小样了吧) – Originating from Southern China. Said upon someone’s misfortunes, similar to “haha” or “suck that”.
shén me niǎo (simplified Chinese: 什么鸟; traditional Chinese: 什麼鳥) – From the northeastern Heilongjiang, although also used in the South. Used similar to “what the fuck?”
fage (发格) – Used in Shanghai, direct transliteration from English “fuck”.
èrbǎdāo (二把刀) – Beijing slang for a good-for-nothing; klutz. Literally “double-ended sword”, considered a concept which is useless.
xiǎomì (小蜜) – Beijing slang for a special female friend, often used with negative connotations.
cènà (册那) – Shanghainese for “fuck”, similar in usage to 肏 cào albeit less strong.[10]
Racism[edit]Chinese has specific terms and racial slurs for different ethnicities, governments and backgrounds.

Against Westerners[edit]yáng guǐzi (Chinese: 洋鬼子) — “Foreign devil”, a slur for foreigners.
guǐlǎo (Chinese: 鬼佬) — Borrowed from Cantonese “Gweilo”, “ghost” or “ghost guy”, a slur for white people
hóng máo guǐzi (simplified Chinese: 红毛鬼子; traditional Chinese: 紅毛鬼子) — “Red fur devil”, rude slang term for Caucasians, especially Anglos
máo zi (Chinese: 毛子) – Ethnic slur against Russians. (Literally “fur”.) Alternatively 红毛子 (hóng máo zi, red (communist) fur), 俄毛子 (é máo zi, Rus fur). Similar concept to “hóng máo guǐzi” above.
lǎo wài (Chinese: 老外) — “foreigner”, literally “old outsider”, slang term for Caucasians in Mainland China, especially Anglos. Since this term is quite often used colloquially without malicious intent (even directly to foreigners proficient in Mandarin), its meaning is highly context specific. As a rough guide, however, it’s best to avoid using the term outside China.
mán zi (simplified Chinese: 蛮子; traditional Chinese: 蠻子) — foreign barbarians
lǎo mò (老墨) — “Old Mexican”, an ethnic slur used on Mexicans. 墨 should not be confused with “ink”, which bears the same character and pronunciation from “墨” in 墨西哥 (Mexico).

We Picked the Wrong Week to Not Blog

Gentle Readers,

It has been a pretty eventful week for us here at CFYSA. We finally crossed the Cascades and got to the other side of the great State of Washington. This is the Washington people warned us about…the part with the trees and the rain. Except it has not rained. It is simply gorgeous here in the far NW and we find ourselves very fortunate to be visiting fine friends here.
The topography of this state is so rich and varied. So far we have slept in the scablands, the desert, the high mountains, along the mighty Columbia River, in the flaxen fields below Spokane and it seems like the best has been saved for last. We got here a few days ago but the ride was one of those all-nighters which leave you slumped for two days after…at least at my age. We still have not seen the ocean or stepped on a volcano but those are next…
The old HellRaiser is still waiting for us in the garage but is all ready to camp up and down the Pacific Coast Highway in just a couple short months.
Meanwhile, we have some missed news and updates.

First of all, you may be pleased to hear that several expert horticulturalists are taking up the challenge to produce a nice strain of medical marijuana to honor Paul Krassner, who has enriched our lives in ways you do not exactly understand but take our word for it…face it, the guy was not only editor of MAD, he also edited Playboy, Hustler, and numerous other NON-counterculture magazines, aside from starting The Realist. In fact, now that we think about it, all those rejection slips we got from those same magazines when we submitted copy could have been sent by him. We could post his photo but here is one of his books, instead.
We do have a few interviews to be published with Mr. Krassner in upcoming months, one in Beatdom and the other in Seattle’s Culture Magazine’s March issue. They are on different subjects and the Beatdom will not be available until May, so save up and get a copy then. In the meantime buy the March Culture. We did a story on ‘Lenny Bruce VS Racism,’ featuring Mr. Krassner and that appeared for sale in just the past two weeks. He just makes a comment on Bruce but we have some other good stuff in there as well!It has Mr. Krassner describing what type of bud he would most like to have named after himself…and that is all we can say.

It is hard to think of Krassner without thinking of comedy. It is hard to think of comedy with thinking of a few fat jokes and it is hard to walk around with fat jokes on hand and not use them in the ‘wake’ of Chris Christie’s adventures. We noticed that he has several cartoon strips dedicated to what him and one about what his presidency will be like. We do not have suitable fat jokes to lay on you at this time but we have sprinkled this blog with plenty of pics of the big guy. (mean-looking, huh?)
Now Christie is in trouble over trying to defeat politic enemies by stopping traffic. He could have done it by laying across three lanes of that bridge himself but he decided to have minions handle it for him. They are not nearly as sneaky and were caught in the act. Last year we interviewed the great poet, Amiri Baraka – who died recently. He lived in Newark, NJ, and told us of the Mayor there being so crooked that he was making money for an insurance company while being paid by the people of NJ…Cory Booker. Baraka felt Booker to be a wrong man and we would have to agree…funny thing is, after we spoke withy Mr. Baraka, a New Jersey Senator died and the empty seat was filled by the dastardly Cory Booker. Who made the decision? Why Chris Christie, of course!

They both want to be president. We are not showing Booker’s photo here because you will be seeing enough of his face when they try to run him for president…that is if Obama has not ruined the possibility of a black man taking the position again in the next few years. His antics have caused a lot of racial division and we thought the idea of a black president was to even things out.
Who knows? Unfortunately, this guy does…
Baraka was already on ‘the list’ for writing the truth about the 911 bombings . The Governor of New Jersey stripped of his title of Poet Laureate because he told the truth. He does not even belong in a silly blog like this but he did warn us about Booker…watch him!!!

(REMEMBER – THIS IS A FREE BLOG SO DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT THE TYPOS IF YOU FIND ANY!)

One From The Poetry Corner

Esteemed Readers, Bottom Feeders and Counters of Meters, today we bring you an installment of the Poetry Corner. We promised to keep this blog going, so we are happy to be in your face.
The following poem is the first in what will be known as the ‘Yakima Cycle’ by Michael Hendrick, a drunken friend of ours who can’t be trusted with your daughter…a sad one, boys and girls, sniff, sniff. He redeems himself with his poems…maybe not this one but he seemed quite insistent that we publish it for him and it is a ‘limerick’ really. As per our buddies at the Encyclopedia Brittanica a limerick is a popular form of short, humorous verse that is often nonsensical and frequently ribald. It consists of five lines, rhyming aabba, and the dominant metre is anapestic, with two metrical feet in the third and fourth lines and three feet in the others.
These short rhymes often involve a city name. We chose Yakima as our city and Mr. Hendrick, in his infinite kindness, offered to share poems written just for this blog…a saint of a man, is he.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A certain young woman from Yakima
got randy but had quite a hacking cough.
Though she sounded a fright,
she loved a new man each night.
Her ten kids proved that she did not whack’em off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now, Kids…it is nothing against women, nothing against Yakima and most certainly not against masturbation…if anything, is insulted here, it is the Rhyme itself, but it endures, year after year.

Oddly, though…the most popular blogs here are the ones having to do with insults and words and we find that to be very interesting and think we will do our best to include more such material in days and weeks to come.

Welcome to the Working Week!

More About Heading West

Recently, the editorial ‘We’ left the East Coast and headed west. “The west is the best,” Jim Morrison said. It is true and it is also kind of sad. After fifty-six years in the same time zone, the Eastern Standard Zone lost the fun it used to be.
Personally, we first heard rock and roll in New York, as Roy Orbison exposed his whiney heart over radio in my parent’s old Desoto singing Born On The Wind. At five years old, we watched the Beatles arrive at Shea Stadium on the tv and the resulting new British revolution followed on the screen. In our teens we spat at the stage of CBGB, pogoed and slammed.
New York City, the City that never sleeps must have been napping when the Hip Train arrived in Colorado and Washington with legal weed. How can it
be the hippest city in the world when the most delectable commodities are easier to get here in the west? Our eyes moisten with tears of sorrow when we consider this. We think of the swinging forties and fifties when the Rat Pack ruled the dark streets and the punk rock in the seventies that restarted the heart of rock and roll in the face of the disco machine uptown at Studio 54.
Recently, the editorial ‘We’ left the East Coast and headed west. “The west is the best,” Jim Morrison said. It is true and it is also kind of sad. After fifty-six years in the same time zone, the Eastern Standard Zone lost the fun it used to be.
Personally, we first heard rock and roll in New York, as Roy Orbison exposed his whiney heart over radio in my parent’s old Desoto singing Born On The Wind. At five years old, we watched the Beatles arrive at Shea Stadium on the tv and the resulting new british revolution followed on the screen. In our teens we spat at the stage of CBGB, pogoed and slammed.
New York City, the City that never sleeps must have been napping when the Hip Train arrived in Colorado and Washington with legal weed. How can it
be the hippest city in the world when the most delectable commodities are easier to get here in the west? Our eyes moisten with tears of sorrow when we consider this anomaly. We think of the swinging forties and fifties when the Rat Pack ruled the dark streets and the punk rock in the seventies that restarted the heart of rock and roll in the face of the disco machine uptown at Studio 54.
We miss the dirty old New York City of our youth with her dirty pavements, leering pervs and beggars with outstretched hands. They brought a sense of danger that seemed vital to the city, like the visage of Moondog standing on Sixth Avenue shouting his poetry and scaring more timid foot traffic to the other side of the street with his two-horned Viking helmet. Philadelphia still sports a layer of dirt on it but Disney constipated the Big Apple by cleaning up Times Square, the once-beloved center of sleaze. The last time we walked down to Greenwich Village and got thirsty for a beer, we had to walk eight blocks…eight blocks!!! In NYC for a beer? The real indignity came with viewing the Lower East Side out the window of an Applebee’s because that was all we could find.
And what happened to the 25 Cent XXX Sex Show on Forty Second Street? As bad as it turned out to be, how could anybody resist finding out how much of a show you get for a quarter?
Well, now we reside in Washington, home state of the most prolific serial killers. The Son of Sam fell far short of some of the body counts we see here. To the south a couple of states, we have California so that gives us our minimum daily requirement of nearby whack-jobs. What is the difference between bad behavior at the Jersey Shore and bad behavior in LA? LA dresses it up better and has blondes. It all comes out the same on TMZ, though.
We arrived here at 70 miles per hour. That, in itself, tells volumes about the gap between coasts. We crossed some areas in Montana where there was no speed limit whatsoever. At 70 mph, we do not feel inclined to speed. Therefore, the police have no need to pull us over. If they did, they would find something that is legal, anyway. When they put out the DUI patrols here, they are kind enough to tell you which night of the week and during which hours on which road. That is so kind!
In fact, if we do not agree with the way things are run, they even have legally assisted suicide! How can we go wrong?
Some eastern states go to 65 mph but the norm is the old ‘stay alive at fifty-five’. Go 65mph there and they have a good reason to stop you. Take Pennsylvania (please…haha), if you are stopped and ‘suspected’ of being high on marijuana, you must consent to the urine test. The test used by the state police is so sensitive that it can spot the tiniest amount of THC metabolites in urine so that it can even turn positive if you smoked six months ago. If you prove positive you lose the license, get the fine, etc…if you refuse, you get the same thing…not nice!
No such things happen here. There also seems to be a great paranoia in the east. Before we left and as we packed, we heard numerous friends and associates warn us about the dangers on the road. “Keep your guns in the storage locker!” “Don’t keep any paraphernalia on you!” “Remember the facial recognition scanners every mile along the road!”
We left with two shotguns and a rifle lying right behind the seat under the open case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, which we drank all the way from Harrisburg to the bottom of Lake Michigan one June night and did not see a single police until we waved at one in a rest stop outside of Fargo. There is really nothing new to be scared of on the road. Take it from us, it’s the same old road. Be free.
Here, hitch-hikers still stick their thumbs out and serial killers smile at them. Beggars guard entrances to the shopping areas, mostly young methed-out tweakers with nothing to look forward to. Older ones drifted north after then-NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani solved the city’s homeless ‘problem’ by rounding up everybody in the parks and giving them a free bus ticket to LA, but only if they promised not to return. So we have all types here.
Most exciting, just to the south in Portland, the city hums with activity. We can feel the energy and a scene is taking place there…either that or the place is loaded with poseurs. From the many small music magazines we see, we know Portland has tons of small venues with live shows every night. Big acts tend to play Seattle and skip down to Cali. The scene in Portland feels organic, the visiting acts at local clubs seem to be an esoteric mix which blends with and compliments all of the fresh new faces releasing new songs on vinyl and playing crowded gigs.
Where can we get the best price for our old vinyl? Portland, of course. So many record and alternative book stores line the streets here that it reminds us of the Village in the old days, before Bleeker Bob’s and other old rare record/cd haunts vanished. If we sell an LP in Portland we get cash as opposed to the dreaded store credit, which has so often dampened our spirits. We take the cash and go to small clubs where the vibe reaches out from the city center into outlying neighborhoods.
Count up the clubs and the acts per night and we do not think NYC can keep up, not with the rock and roll end of things. We feel the loose, mellow, friendly haze of the current heroin epidemic there, as well. Funny how those things seem to keep time with each other.
Seriously, though, the scene in Portland, so robust you can taste it, may just break out and unleash a new twist, a new alternative to alternative, a fresh coat of paint to a passe’ form of music. What is happening in rock and roll right now? Who is hot? Where is the innovation? When did we last see a ‘movement?’ Was that way back when grunge hit?
The biggest sellers remain in place from the sixties, seventies and eighties. The geezers sell more ducats than youths do and that is wrong. College students listen to Pink Floyd and the Beatles. These may be old bands but soon we ought to be hearing from the young and angry again, unless rock and roll really is dead.
We’ll be sitting right here, watching from up close.
See ya!

We miss the dirty old New York City of our youth with her dirty pavements, leering pervs and beggars with outstretched hands. They brought a sense of danger that seemed vital to the city, like the visage of Moondog standing on Sixth Avenue shouting his poetry and scaring more timid foot traffic to the other side of the street with his two-horned Viking helmet. Philadelphia still sports a layer of dirt on it but Disney constipated the Big Apple by cleaning up Times Square, the once-beloved center of sleaze. The last time we walked down to Greenwich Village and got thirsty for a beer, we had to walk eight blocks…eight blocks!!! In NYC for a beer? The real indignity came with viewing the Lower East Side out the window of an Applebee’s because that was all we could find.
And what happened to the 25 Cent XXX Sex Show on Forty Second Street? As bad as it turned out to be, how could anybody resist finding out how much of a show you get for a quarter?
Well, now we reside in Washington, home state of the most prolific serial killers. The Son of Sam fell far short of some of the body counts we see here. To the south a couple of states, we have California so that gives us our minimum daily requirement of nearby whack-jobs. What is the difference between bad behavior at the Jersey Shore and bad behavior in LA? LA dresses it up better and has blondes. It all comes out the same on TMZ, though.
We arrived here at 70 miles per hour. That, in itself, tells volumes about the gap between coasts. We crossed some areas in Montana where there was no speed limit whatsoever. At 70 mph, we do not feel inclined to speed. Therefore, the police have no need to pull us over. If they did, they would find something that is legal, anyway. When they put out the DUI patrols here, they are kind enough to tell you which night of the week and during which hours on which road. That is so kind!
In fact, if we do not agree with the way things are run, they even have legally assisted suicide! How can we go wrong?
Some eastern states go to 65 mph but the norm is the old ‘stay alive at fifty-five’. Go 65mph there and they have a good reason to stop you. Take Pennsylvania (please…haha), if you are stopped and ‘suspected’ of being high on marijuana, you must consent to the urine test. The test used by the state police is so sensitive that it can spot the tiniest amount of THC metabolites in urine so that it can even turn positive if you smoked six months ago. If you prove positive you lose the license, get the fine, etc…if you refuse, you get the same thing…not nice!
No such things happen here. There also seems to be a great paranoia in the east. Before we left and as we packed, we heard numerous friends and associates warn us about the dangers on the road. “Keep your guns in the storage locker!” “Don’t keep any paraphernalia on you!” “Remember the facial recognition scanners every mile along the road!”
We left with two shotguns and a rifle lying right behind the seat under the open case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, which we drank all the way from Harrisburg to the bottom of Lake Michigan one June night and did not see a single police until we waved at one in a rest stop outside of Fargo. There is really nothing new to be scared of on the road. Take it from us, it’s the same old road. Be free.
Here, hitch-hikers still stick their thumbs out and serial killers smile at them. Beggars guard entrances to the shopping areas, mostly young methed-out tweakers with nothing to look forward to. Older ones drifted north after then-NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani solved the city’s homeless ‘problem’ by rounding up everybody in the parks and giving them a free bus ticket to LA, but only if they promised not to return. So we have all types here.
Most exciting, just to the south in Portland, the city hums with activity. We can feel the energy and a scene is taking place there…either that or the place is loaded with poseurs. From the many small music magazines we see, we know Portland has tons of small venues with live shows every night. Big acts tend to play Seattle and skip down to Cali. The scene in Portland feels organic, the visiting acts at local clubs seem to be an esoteric mix which blends with and compliments all of the fresh new faces releasing new songs on vinyl and playing crowded gigs.
Where can we get the best price for our old vinyl? Portland, of course. So many record and alternative book stores line the streets here that it reminds us of the Village in the old days, before Bleeker Bob’s and other old rare record/cd haunts vanished. If we sell an LP in Portland we get cash as opposed to the dreaded store credit, which has so often dampened our spirits. We take the cash and go to small clubs where the vibe reaches out from the city center into outlying neighborhoods.
Count up the clubs and the acts per night and we do not think NYC can keep up, not with the rock and roll end of things. We feel the loose, mellow, friendly haze of the current heroin epidemic there, as well. Funny how those things seem to keep time with each other.
Seriously, though, the scene in Portland, so robust you can taste it, may just break out and unleash a new twist, a new alternative to alternative, a fresh coat of paint to a passe’ form of music. What is happening in rock and roll right now? Who is hot? Where is the innovation? When did we last see a ‘movement?’ Was that way back when grunge hit?
The biggest sellers remain in place from the sixties, seventies and eighties. The geezers sell more ducats than youths do and that is wrong. College students listen to Pink Floyd and the Beatles. These may be old bands but soon we ought to be hearing from the young and angry again, unless rock and roll really is dead.
We’ll be sitting right here, watching from up close.
See ya!

Whatever Happened To This Blog?

Gentle Readers, for months, perhaps a year, we have been putting you off and have let this once-heralded blog slip into near obscurity. Today, we return and not only that – we return with our original name.
We remain uncertain as to whether we were trying to protect ourselves or trying to get laid when we changed the words ‘substance abuse’ to ‘substantial abuse’.
Too much information on one’s pattern of substance abuse can put low on the list for certain social invites. The fact remains that, as a result of being fed beer regularly as a baby (imagine yourself sucking from a beer bottle as tall as yourself…but just on weekends…), the editorial we naturally became alcoholic. We missed out on all the fun of gateway drugs – ha, ha, as if such a thing exists. We are not Hippies because we were born too late but we did manage to ingest LSD in every decade since the seventies, inclusive, and still keep the old neuro-plasticity working well enough to keep your attention!

We thank all the people who kept reading old entries of the blog while we were out of action.

We also thank Paul Krassner – for inspiration. We contacted him regarding some Beatdom business. Although he influenced us greatly over the years, from MAD to High Times magazines, we felt a pang of guilt when viewing his bibliography. He never shies away from a topic. He is fearless. He wrote a lot about drugs and put them in the titles of his books. He has integrity. We were afraid we would never be able to get laid if we had to explain our substance abuse issues…a pretty lame excuse, looking back.
Mr. Krassner helped change the course of American history to a degree. His activities during the sixties – his outspokenness, sense of humor and respect for Truth – allowed many others to open up with their personal views. Somebody always has to break the ice in a repressive situation and he melted minds. Conversely, The Realist allowed so-called ‘broken minds’ to melt the ice of the oppression of the time through humor. We remember how you Dear Readers love illustrations, so here is the book to look for……if you do not buy it and read it, you will not know what we are writing about when we refer to it in future important dispatches.
Anyway, there is a lot to learn about him and we encourage you all to pick up copies of his books. The best place to find them is on his website, http://www.paulkrassner.com

So, with all that being said, we shall now resume the blog as it ran a few years ago, three to four times a week. We will try to be more politically-minded and will try to be less silly. Things have gotten a lot more serious since we reported Governor Christie getting stuck in his gubernatorial bathtub and being pried out with two boat oars and a handy few pounds of butter from the larder….ah…”larder”… We thank the Gov for allowing us to resurrect an old word! May we gain from his girth.
Another reason for our return lies in the excitement we feel as we explore new lands. Native to New York, we left the east coast and drove west this past summer. After a lifetime in the Eastern Standard Zone except for vacations and other excursions, we find great novelty here in the State of Washington. We knew the diversity of topography to be extreme but the last thing we expected was to wind up stuck in a desert, much less the scablands. Everybody said it rains all the time here.
Not so.
We never experienced such pesky sunshine in all our days. Sun, sun, sun…nothing but sun, all summer. Like Bob Dylan asks a recent LP, “Don’t you know the sun can burn your brains right out?” Speaking of Dylan, we can’t help but compare the area to the locale depicted in the film Masked and Anonymous. With all the Native Americans, Mexicans, sand and abandoned junk cars, the resemblance strikes us as uncanny. In fact some areas here are so bleak as to resemble Afghan mountain ranges; so much so that troops bound for that bloodbath got used to the elements by training near here.
Fall arrived and clouds followed and as the sky got darker, things got brighter. We love rain! The first good rain to come in brought our first dust storm along with it. A fantastic sight! A cool thing to view from the safe confines of a car with rolled-up windows.
There is so much here to discover in Washington, we didn’t know where to start so food is never a bad idea. Crossing the US, we noticed portions of food increasing in size as we pushed westward. True, we settled for road food but it actually tasted good and we had to start comparing fast foods, just to see the cultural anomoly we are faced with.
It started at the ‘Steak’N’Shake’ somewhere in Michigan. Years passed since the last fast food burger touched my lips. It came down to ‘eat or starve’ so we went with Steak’N’Shake. It was amazing! The first thing that freaked us out was the whipped cream and cherry on the milkshake…we remembered that from soda fountains in the distant past. When we opened up the burgers, a cornucopia of veggies stuck out from the bun. While we chose our move to a liberal land where pot is legal, as is same-sex marriage and assisted suicide, liberal portions never occurred to us.
So amazed were we, that to push the idea to the limit, we tried a McDonalds…we must report that our two kitties, along for the trip, actually ate some of the ‘meat’. We tried the same thing in Pennsylvania and they shunned it. Finally, even McDonalds had a cherry on top of the shake.
Now here is the rub.

It is sort of like Lenny Bruce’s ‘Jew vs Goy’ bit…only it seems like Lenny was wrong on that one. He said anybody who lives in New York is jewish, whether they are goyim or not. While admittedly goy to the catholic degree at childhood, we can’t help but feel that the whole northeast seaboard, as well as points as far west as Chicago, create the true demarcation.
Try to find some real foods, foods we grew up with and now we seem to have entered a weird zone of culinary depravity. Perhaps being in the east, where European immigrants first landed, exposed us to a variety of victuals. Ethnic foods spread out from immigrant neighborhoods as they became popular with other cultures.
Brie, capers, anchovies, hummus, halvah, Finlandia or Jarlsburg brand swiss or Parmigiano-Reggiano, olive oil from Italy, couscous…mention these items and prepare to be met with a blank stare. Other seemingly unbotchable staples – pizza and bagels, for instance – get ‘the treatment’. To find a simple slice of pizza (crust, sauce, cheese and spices) the closest option is to send out for a Papa John or Domino imitation pie and cut it in the shape of a slice…or make your own. The concept of an italian pizza shop where you can walk in and buy a slice is exactly that, here on the eastern part of the state, a concept. It is an idea that does not exist. Maybe you can get it in Seattle but we have not gotten that far yet.
Forget bagel shops…but the street tacos rule!
We admit to enjoying a bagel at the most fabulous hotel we could find this side of the Cascades, The Davenport Hotel in Spokane. Here, birthplace of Crab Louis (after Louis Davenport), they referred to the smoked salmon as lox and knew well enough to put capers on the plate. For as many salmon as swim through here every year, we expected that most people would be familiar with lox. Maybe they are better off. I did see a number of big fish float belly up in the Columbia River just around migration time, when the state warned residents not to eat the local fish due to dangerous levels of pollutants in the filets.
Hordes of homeless tweakers who live under bridges and eat these fish since a little added protein never hurts a meth binge, are likely unaware of these warnings. A lot of homeless drifters hang here, though, so that makes us feel welcome. Hitch-hikers spot the roads, too. We hadn’t seen one since 2003 in Ireland. No wonder the serial killers like it here.
There is so much to say, so much to compare, so much to type that we will hold it for another day, tomorrow maybe…
~

Sorry for not really promoting the substance abuse this time. We did drink beer while driving across most of the states, though. We shall make up for this in due time.
Thanks all, for coming back to read this blog, and it feels good to be back!